sumimasen!

i've moved

2009-12-25T20:02:00.000-05:00

you can find me here now: two smiths and a dog

hello

2007-11-27T21:13:00.001-05:00

maybe i'll come back here ...

beta = betta'?

2007-02-13T15:08:00.000-05:00

this is obviously under construction. beta blogger is currently in control, and once i wrestle it down to do my bidding, this place will look a lot nicer.

be patient.

oh, and i'm not dead. we're still around. really ...

welcome, 2007!

2007-01-02T09:19:00.000-05:00

a merry belated Christmas and a happy brand-spakin'-new year to everyone ... does anyone still read this? right. has the silence bored our audience enough yet?

this place really needs a sprucin' up sort of up-date. i really want to redesign. i'm itching to do some cleaning and reorganizing around here. maybe soon. maybe not. we've got until the 22nd before school starts again ... so, we'll see what happens here. (i keep saying that, i know ... but i mean it!)

Christmas was a restful blessing. i had a week off of work, so we traveled back to WV to visit with the husband's family. we spent Christmas in PA with his brother and sister-in-law and their adorable kids (see our wedding party photos for details about their cuteness). we slept in a lot and lounged around. we enjoyed our Christmas presents and spent quality time with family.

the big presents this year? the husband got his much-anticipated iPod. it's the big one - 80 gigs in all its white, shiny glory. i know that he is probably going to be spending a lot of time putting all of his wonderful music on it today once he wakes up. my much-anticipated gift from the husband was a sewing machine. yes, i am actually genuinely excited. how domestic of me, don't you think? the project of last week was a case for the iPod i won at our church's volunteer appreciation banquet raffle. it's a nano, and it's pink. i will have to post photos of my first sewing adventure. i have many more things planned, including a case for the husband's iPod, a baby blanket for a little boy to be born in April in Japan, and many other ideas. other great gifts included books, clothes, and gift cards. everything was a blessing, but nothing could overshadow the best gift of Christmas, and that's Christ.

He's the real gift that keeps on giving.

i am excited about this new year. it's going to be full of adventures, for sure. i can feel it ... God has so much planned, and i have a feeling a lot of it is going to be outside of school and outside of work. i'm excited, and i hope that the biggest changes God has in store this year will be in my heart.

okay, back to work with me ...

hi

2006-12-20T08:49:00.000-05:00

how's it going? do you miss us? yeah. we've been terrible about blogging.

i'd like to redesign this whole space, hopefully with a domain name of our own and a sweet new layout, adding my portfolio and all of our lovely photos (at least, the photos we decide are lovely). i'd like to get back into painting, drawing, photographing, and living a more centered life.

we still love being married (it'll be five months after Christmas). school is over for this semester. work has been crazy for me, but i will have next week off to recoup for the New Year. God is still good.

i have been, as of late, very convicted about Truth. i don't know how to put it all into words yet, but it's been on the edges of my thoughts often. i guess i'm feeling very apologetic, not in a sorry way, but in a C.S. Lewis sort of way. i feel like i need a better grounding in my faith. i feel convicted about my convictions, so to speak. i've been coming to grips with the knowledge that absolute truth is often offensive, and in our current culture the absolute is avoided. everything is relative, and, to be honest, i think that's the worst set of beliefs to carry. i'm not saying i promote intolerance and oppression, but i do oppose the blanket of amorality and apathy that tends to fall into our current context of "tolerance" as we know it, especially in America.

but. remember. this is just an inkling, a kindling of fire, in my thoughts. i am seeking out how i feel and what i think right now. i'm trying to get my hands on it, my mind around it, and my feet planted firmly. this will take some time. i don't want to come across the wrong way, but i don't want to put away how i feel for the sake of not offending or not bothering others.

i'm not afraid to be offensive. i am afraid to be apathetic.

anyway, to change the subject ... despite the unseasonable warmth, it is beautiful outside. i love the bare trees on the mountains, especially when they're just black paper cut-outs against the evening sky on my drives home from work. awesome. i will take photos soon. and post them. to share my love of sunsetting golden light.

i must run. i have a meeting. woops.

there are words coming here ...

2006-11-29T15:50:00.000-05:00

... eventually.

i keep thinking ... i'm on the computer all day long at work and i can't take a break to blog? how terrible. what a sorry excuse for one who was once so verbose and rambling, one who has filled blog pages upon blog pages ... it's been over 20 days since i last wrote anything here (for shame, indeed), and i apologize.

much has happened. happy feet. thanksgiving. four whole months of marriage (today!). i mean, it's not like i don't have anything to write about. there's so much i'd like to do ... with a web page or two ... portfolio pieces, photography, blogging, japanese practice, theological ramblings, family rants and struggles, geeky randomness, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

so, in short, i apologize for the lack of activity here. i (erm. i mean WE) plan on remedying the situation ... soon. yes.

... really.

Is it just me?

2006-11-06T11:17:00.000-05:00

... Or are there more people out there a little bit more than disillusioned with politics in our country? I'm not usually one for a political diatribe ... but I am getting so terribly fed up, I really want to cry.

Yes, I know it's important to get out there and vote, especially because I am not apathetic, I believe in Truth, and I'm over 18 ... but, why is it so hard? There don't seem to be any good choices ... I feel like I'm stuck in an anime film, with every political character a shade of grey in terms of morality and wholesomeness. It makes me want to voice my opinion by abstaining ... ugh ... which wouldn't help a thing. Even when I get out there and cast my ballot, however, there's even the lack of a national ballot system and "hacking" and "tampering" to worry about. Obviously, some of that is purposeful (I'm not paranoid, but I'm not stupid, either), but ... um ... why isn't there a national voting system? Wouldn't that ... uh ... well ... make sense?

Exactly.

it's coming ...

2006-11-06T09:03:00.000-05:00

this week, this will be here!

whoot. yay for better home productivity ... or perhaps a little more home distraction? whatever the case, it will be better than trading my old ibook around to do homework on. and that's a good thing.

hurry up, FedEx!

ephemeral time of year

2006-10-18T16:21:00.000-04:00

i'm on the internet almost all the working day now, but i can't seem to bring myself to post to this place ... it seems like since i've been married, i've had less interest in a blog and more interest in living life away from the computer. (other excuses probably could be that we don't have internet at home ... and being married, working full time, and going to seminary part time is all very distracting in itself ... but ... hmm.)

anyway, the seasons have changed. it's once again my favorite time of year - autumn. living in virginia is great. the mountains are fading from dark green to the vibrant, short-lived shades of the season. soon, with much anticipation from me personally, they will shed their leaves again. the air is crisp, the sky bright, and the stars sharp. all good things. i like to see my breath in the morning, walking the dog. i like having someone to snuggle with against the chilly air of a poorly-heated apartment. any excuse to curl up with a cup of tea and a book is welcome.

it's time for the season of my spirit to change, too. i've been stuck in a rather empty rut of little prayer and little word and ... well, i'm hungry! dumb habits are hard to break, and getting out of this place i'm in has been harder than excpected, probably because of all the busy-ness i have found myself in ...

all of the good things going on have been a beautiful testimony to God's faithfulness despite my laziness, mind you. none of this stuff could've happened if it was up to me and me alone. oh heck no.

::sigh::

it is often true than when things are best, my relationship with the Lord is often at it's worst. this time, however, i am not suffering from a nagging case of self-reliance. it seems i am only struggling with a lot of laziness ...

i want to change colors and shed my leaves, too. may my autumn come sooner than later.

slowly falling into place

2006-09-26T13:02:00.001-04:00

slowly but surely, life is falling into place. not only is summer finally fading into autumn, with crisp, clear evenings and hints of colors on the leaves, but i finally feel like i'm getting back into the groove of school. soon, once my new job starts, i will have to re-adapt to a new schedule with home, husband, and homework ... but, today i am experience a moment of lovely clarity.

speaking of lovely, i have never considered crocs cool until i saw these and these. cute! if these two styles are as comfortable as the other styles i have at least stuck my feet into in mild curiosity, then i would re-consider owning a pair.

well, that's enough randomness from me ... i should get back to work now. hmm.

God is good.

2006-09-22T13:11:00.000-04:00

...even when we're not paying attention.

it's hard for me to grasp sometimes - that God really IS good. He is more good than any concept of good or fair or just or perfect that i have in my mind. i think of Jesus' parable of the widow and the judge. if the judge is so ungodly and fearless and yet gives in to the persistence of the widow, how much more generous and loving is my God who is the very epitome of justice and goodness! i think of Jesus' parable of the visitor, in Luke 10, where a man has a late night visitor but his friend won't even open the door to lend him some bread ... God has turned on the lights, prepared a feast, and left the doors wide open!

He has opened the floodgates into my (our) life once again.

i am officially gainfully employed with liberty as senior graphic designer of DLP (that's distance learning program). i have a badge, a parking sticker, and all tuition (including my husband's) paid for. what? huh? God is too good. even as i raise my hands to thank Him, i want to cower behind them and wimper, "not me ... not me ..."

i can't, though. this is my testimony, these amazing things God has done and is doing. from japan to ohio, wedding to now, everything good and perfect and amazing has been His and His alone!

still here | patience

2006-09-12T13:35:00.000-04:00

life is ... interesting at the moment. there is definitely some pruning going on in the weeded garden of my life. this month seems to be in the department of ... patience (oh, yes, it's my favorite too!). now, i'm not saying that because i'm a newlywed, either. marital bliss is still nothing short of blissful (yay).

there is, right now, if you can believe it or not, too much for me to blog about going on. i will summarize: school is a rough transition. work is up in the air, yet strangely exciting. God is on the move in the garden of my heart about such things as perseverance, patience, and trust. oh, and, in case i didn't say it enough, being married rocks.

other than that, here's some barna studies that we all need to be aware of:

five years later
withering roots
american priorities

there's plenty more at barna, some of it encouraging, but way too much of it not so.

okay, back to work ...

28 days

2006-08-27T22:10:00.000-04:00

they (whoever "they" are) say that if you do something (anything?) for 21 days, it becomes a habit. i guess that means, 4 weeks and 1 day into being married, being married has become a habit, so to speak. more likely, it has become a way of life, and a wonderful one at that.

while not all things are quite alright, it is a blessing and a necessity that we indeed have been given each other for companionship, support, and love. the wedding was wonderful, and it's been fun getting settled in our new home in Lynchburg. it hasn't been easy - our car didn't pass virginia state inspections, i haven't sold my truck, my ciu freelance job has slipped through the cracks and disappeared, and we're desperately scrambling to find employment before rent, insurance, and phone bills are due. this is not easy, but we both trust that God is good.

i personally have a terrible habit of looking at my circumstances and throwing God's powerful intentions and abilities out the window so i can cower behind the curtains. time and again i am easily discouraged ... and while right now could be another one of those times, God has provided support and hope through the love of my husband.

ha. typing that makes me giggle just like saying it out loud does.

on top of our busy month, school has started again. fall semester is full for the husband, especially on tuesdays and thursdays. i'm only taking two classes in the seminary, and it's all new to me. a new masters program, new campus, and as of yet no real new friends. i'm looking forward to meeting new people, but i have a strange feeling that more of my fellowship will be coming from church than from school ... we'll see. i'm open to being surprised, though.

God is never predictable.

a final random note is that this weekend we discovered the resident squirrel who likes to bum around on our porch. by bum around i mean literally lay flat out on the railings of our second-floor deck, legs hanging over and tail stretched out, head down and dozing. we have a photo or two that will be up eventually, but it is absolutely hilarious. between our dog and the squirrel, animals seem to be unable to stay awake around us. very strange.

okay. that's enough rambling from me. maybe i can get the husband to post some day. maybe.

new life, new name, new post

2006-08-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

mr. and mrs. smith here. hello, everyone! we haven't been posting because we've been busy ... well ... being married! yeah. married life rocks.

wanna see some pictures? check 'em out here.

sweet'n'sour

2006-06-14T23:46:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was "the big move" for the DJ (he will post one day, I promise). In a lot of ways, it was a big move for me, too, even though I won't be living in our apartment in Lynchburg until July 29th. I moved a lot of my stuff into our apartment, which wasn't so scary despite it's dirtiness. It's a lot more space than I anticipated, for a two bedroom on a college/seminarian budget. Once [mostly] everything was unpacked and arranged (with the exception of our spare 'oom), something stirred in me like I've never felt before. Sitting on the newly-delivered new-to-us couch in the living room on Monday, I realized that in just a little over six weeks (!), I'd be calling the apartment "home." And not just my home, but "our" home.

Talk about moved.

This weekend was sweet, almost bittersweet, knowing that I'll be leaving SC in a week to hang out in OH/WV and prepare for the wedding. It was really sweet when I realized that I'll be married in a month and a half.

The aftermath of the weekend was a little sour on the back-homefront. This past semester of Christian counseling and the mighty work of God in my heart has been awesome for me ... when will it be His time to work in the hearts of my family, especially my mom? On the cusp of a new life, a new beginning, it is hard to still feel the ebb and flow, tug and push, of the old. It still hurts, but I know, o'I know, God is merciful and faithful.

Hey ... I'm not dead.

2006-06-06T11:15:00.000-04:00

Hi. Remember me? Yeah. I haven't been here in a while. Um. Sorry about that. Sort of. Things have been, er, busy. Crazy, even:

Things have been broken and fixed and broken again. I have moved, am still moving, but have yet to end up where I want to be (though I know I will be soon enough). I've gone traveling between time zones and expectations. I still find myself speaking two languages, awake but sometimes still while asleep. I am thankful for sunshine and afternoon showers. Work has been on overload status, for CSS is not my friend (only a mere acquaintance, though we are beginning to converse on a deeper level). This is a limited summary. Now, I am not complaining. Only listing. Or listless, if you prefer the truth.

God is good, of course, and faithful and generous and merciful and gracious and definitely in control ... even though (I will admit with a bit of chagrin and shame and blatant weakness) it sort of, kind of, totally doesn't feel like it at all.

Everything could be falling apart at any moment, thanks to my truck, my phone bill, my family issues, my limited perseverence, and my educational calling. Or. At least. It looks that way on the surface. (Hey, I'm writing in with caps again. How'd that happen? Hmm.) I could cling to my doubt and fear and failure. I could let the Enemy have his cold, hard grip on my heart and my faith and my life. Or, I could remember that my Victory is already present in Jesus. I could turn my face to the One who has walked all these paths before me, bled and died and rose again for my failures, and has unimaginable plans to uphold my life, my love, and my future in His hands. Hmm. Which one sounds better?

Exactly.

If only it was as easy to live out as it is to say or type or think ...

Adding to the mix (or mix-up depending on who you are), there are roughly 1272 hours left to go by as quickly as the rest of them did before I become a wife (that's 53 days if you're not mathematically inclined). That, in and of itself in spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical terms, is crazy.

Ah. There is much I could ramble about here. I really just posted to say: Yo, I'm here. Sort of. I do believe I am still in transit. Maybe, when I get to where God has me going, I will send a post card.

faithful, ever faithful

2006-05-11T17:23:00.000-04:00

this morning was cloudy, heavy, and matched what i thought was my mood. i am mentally and emotionally exhausted, and just a little low on faith. before falling asleep last night, i just felt so empty, so thirsty, so tired, that i prayed to be fed, watered, and rested ... and soon!

this morning, i thought my hopes were dashed. i read my Bible over breakfast, discouraged that nothing seemed like the Words i needed ... God waited until chapel to speak up, first in song, then in spoken word. i can't remember the exact lyrics anymore of Moses' special song this morning, but he sang a hymn basically about how Jesus is more than enough and how He's carrying us along. things have been hard, but i've clung to my faith. i've wanted to throw in the towel - and this isn't the first time - but somehow, by His grace, i manage to sweat it out til the finish line ... and the clouds part and the sun pours down, bright and glaring, onto green grass and sleepy dogs. and it is beautiful, so beautiful. just like now. the sunshine of His love is brilliant, but the wind of His faithfulness is amazing.

be it in school or in love, this week has been rough-and-tumble, skinned knees and sore hands are proof. i think when this semester is over, i'm gonna sleep for a week. but it will all be to the glory of God who carries me, who has walked this path before me, and who knows my heart.

love isn't a feeling. it's a choice. convicted. committed. joy restored. now, can i get all of this work done? it won't be by my hands, for sure ...

up/downhill

2006-05-10T20:57:00.000-04:00

so, i've noticed i've stopped capitalizing. i haven't done that in a while. i was once very meticulous, then very slack, then very meticulous, and now very slack again. hmph. maybe i'm just ... tired.

one ... more ... week ... can i make it?

i feel like i'm unraveling, one thread at a time, stretching thinner and thinner, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically.

what a semester! ugh. i don't have anything left to say.

the theological wrestling mat

2006-05-05T09:13:00.000-04:00

it's been a rough week of wrestling with tough issues, spiritually and personally. (though, in reality, the spiritual and the personal overlap completely in my life - no realm of the neglected middle here ...) i don't want to get theological cauliflower ear, so i'd better be careful about how rough i wrestle. the dj wants to post here, just so that the current topic isn't so one-sided. maybe, amid the chaos of packing my stuff and storing most of it only to move the rest, we'll find some time to hunker down in front of the ol' ibook and let him type away his piece o'mind.

maybe i should just make this space for the two of us to blog together on anyway, considering we're gonna share everything else in life in 86 more days. (yay.) we'll see. the dj probably wants space of his own, and i'm not always good at sharing. i think it'd be real fun to team blog, however. tag and such was always enjoyable.

so, i feel as though i've really only scratched the surface of all i'm dealing with, but i know that God is faithful to finish what He's started in my heart. sometimes, i suppose, i get so excited and aggrivated at the same time that i can't think straight. i've calmed down now, but the gears haven't shifted in my head. patience and prayer ... and an open heart. stay tuned.

i can't stay quiet anymore, part 1.5.

2006-05-03T18:19:00.000-04:00

standing in the lunch line today, another dear friend turned to me and commented on the blog-to-be that was part of our conversation, "really, though, you're just coming to a conclusion about what's best for you and your future spouse." i thought about that reply for a while, and shrugged, "really, though, i just want to come to a conclusion that's glorifying to God. who am i to decide what's best for me and mine without Him?"

this is a lump in my heart; or should i say the heart of my lump?

i'm not waving a standard and claiming to have all the answers. i'm just trying to come to terms with what is exactly going on in my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual life.

theological high horse. phase. legalism. relativism. is this any of that?

i think that choosing what's best for me is relativism, and that's dangerous. relativism has already chewed away at too much of real Christianity in this post-modern world. i am not out on a religious crusade to change the world, one woman at a time ... so i'm neither on a horse nor really attempting at legalism. so, maybe this is just a phase.

i prefer to consider it a paradigm shift, however.

where is it going? what will i do once i get there?

i can't stay quiet anymore, part 1.

2006-05-03T13:23:00.000-04:00

i haven't blogged in a while. i've been busy. i'm going to be busier still as this semester begins to wind down into summer and my whole life stands on the brink of ultimate, eternal change. i've talked about marriage already, but only in terms of the excitement i have over the consummation of the personal and emotional and spiritual relationship the justin and i have begun to enjoy, not the physical. out of respect and prudence, even after marriage, i never intend on writing about any of the intimate things that the future husband and i look forward to enjoying as a gift from the Lord. at least, not in a blog. we have made comments to each other about writing a "sane" book on Christian marriage some day in the future ... but that's another blog entry entirely. with that out there, however, i have to ramble and sketch out what exactly is going on here ... i can't keep this all inside anymore, but it's not really complete in words or thought yet ... so, bear with me, this may end up being a long and serial exploration/explanation/exposition for several blogs to follow.

sunday, at brentwood, jon began a series of sermons about sexual intimacy in marriage. he illustrated his magnificent points with a demonstration: the construction of a three-legged table. the three legs represented the spiritual, emotional, and physical unity of a married couple - obviously, without all three legs, the table could not support the candle that symbolized the radiance of God. there's a lot more to this, of course, but instead of writing about it, you can listen to jon's sermons online instead.

monday, the justin and i enjoyed another session of pre-marital counseling. we watched a rob bell nooma video called flame, which covered the three hebrew words for love found throughout the OT, specifically exemplified in the song of songs. the english word for love falls terribly short of most other languages - we can, in the same breath, claim to love our husbands, soccer, our dogs, and pizza all at once ... but obviously mean four entirely different feelings. in the hebrew, like the greek, the context and meanings of words are often several concepts blended together. in hebrew, there is "raya" or friendship and brotherly love; "ahava" or committal, relational, possibly more sacrificial love; and "dode" or sexual, erotic love. in the greek, there is of course "philios" or brotherly, friendship love; "eros" or physical, sexual love (where the word erotic comes from); and "agape" or unconditional, unreciprocated, sacrificial love.

tuesday, a small but insightful book arrived in my mailbox: sam & bethany torode's "open embrace." i have read the book in its entirety already, simply because i couldn't put it down. some things within were not necessarily thoughts or feelings or inferences that i agree with, but some things contained within the less than 100 pages were words of godly wisdom that stirred my soul.

this morning in class, a class mate noticed the book and we ended up having a class discussion for a good twenty minutes on the physical, marital, and spiritual implications.

why? because the future husband and i are considering the same choice - not using chemical birth control in favor of natural methods of responsibly waiting on children (i am beginning to understand that i am not really in control of anything more than our mutual awareness and choices based on that awareness; everything else is from the Lord only).

you scoff, perhaps, like even some of my friends have, both Christian and non, married and un. "oh, it's impossible." "i've heard it simply doesn't work." "that's ridiculous. you'll be a mom on your honeymoon." "the rhythm method has been debunked." "do you want to be a student and pregnant?" all these comments and more have made me wince, if not cry. i have wondered whether or not we are making right choices for our future in our time of chemical convenience and simplicity. i am not trying to be radical or even shaming or disproving of chemical and/or conventional birth control at this moment. i am on a pilgrimage here, not a tirade.

in our fallen world, however, i have come to realize that all choices have consequences.

yesterday evening i took a long walk with a good friend. her question still is on the forefront of my thoughts and a burden heavy on my heart: "is your decision (to forego conventional methods) based on biological reasons or theological ones?" it was a loaded question - my dear friend is getting married just a week after i am. all the questions i've been asked about NFP and FAM (natural family planning and fertility awareness method, respectively) have been loaded. they have to be.

i suffer from migraines. with auras. my vision gets blurry, sometimes dark, sometimes flashy and sparkling with yellow dots, sometimes pinpointed with one blind spot, before i get a migraine. then, my left hand and left face go numb, sometimes to the point that i cannot hold my keys or operate a door handle with my left hand. then, as the numbness fades, a searing hard pain crashes into my head behind and above my right eye. usually, if i am not asleep or in bed by this time, i will also throw up until i fall asleep. i can't take migraine medicine because of this - unless of course it's an inhalant. i have been getting migraines since high school, and i don't believe they're diet-related. so far, doctors can't tell me why they so terribly interrupt and disturb my life. but, i have noticed in my research about birth control, some brands do not recommend a migraine-sufferer take them.

that's just one filter, one sorting method that is part of this long, prayer-filled decision process. that's a rather personal and physical decision to avoid certain chemical forms, but that still leaves me and mine a good number of options.

some of those options, however, are known to cause abortions. any contraceptive that prevents implantation is in effect preventing the furthering of an already-alive, fertilized egg. life begins at conception - or at least it should be understood that way - as a Christian. so, the Pill and IUDs and even DP shots are then out of the question as contraception. this still leaves plenty of pregnancy preventatives like condoms and diaphragms and spermacides. while the Catholic church (and their advocation of NFP) condemns even those methods, i am not sure it is necessary to go that far. then again, i am not sure if it isn't.

i have a disclaimer before there are angry comments left on my blog for being ignorant or condemning or judgmental or wrong or worse: besides their contraceptive purposes, chemical birth control indeed alters the body. for some people, a handful of dear friends included, this regulation is entirely necessary. i have friends who wouldn't have periods at all without the Pill, among other medical issues that such hormones can aid in reducing or helping. that's awesome, and i'm totally not trying to say that's wrong.

just, just, for a moment, put all of that aside and roll with me here ... whether you're Christian or not, whether you care about your body as created in the image of God or a natural conclusion from a series of chance changes.

why does it matter?

this is where i am now. why am i, why are we as future husband and wife, even considering these things? what are we getting ourselves into? what are we getting ourselves out of?

i am really struggling with this, but i am not wrestling with God. i feel as though i am instead wrestling with the world ... and it is a heavy, slippery, angry beast with teeth and claws and often very good, very insightful responses.

sexuality and sexual expression are hot topics for me, not because i am a sex-fiend but because i know from personal and observational experience that we are all, Christian or not, messed up about sex as God intended. period. you can "but not i" all you want, but pause and look around when you do. even good Christian married people struggle with sex within their marriage. even good non-Christian married people do the same. there is no bias there. sex has been so compartmentalized and abused, even in the church, that it's become something you either talk about too much or don't talk about at all. marriage is permission, the only permission, and redemption is found in Christ alone. but, what does that mean?

i'm working on it. i will, most likely, always be working on it, even when i become a "we" or an "us." and that's okay. i look forward to that. right now, however, i am beginning to understand that it is God who is working on and in me.

i know right now and can say with clarity and without shame that i am not marrying for sex. i am not just marrying for companionship, financial support, children, or whatever, either. i have more to say about these two sentences, but i need to save that for another blog entry. this one is long enough already.

so, in response to my dear friend, and all my dear friends who may read this - indeed, the decisions i am moving towards are theological as well as personal. i believe that the dear future husband would agree. i am beginning to understand that any decision, whether it be about when to have children and how to wait for the right time to have them or whether it be to get married at all, is ultimately a theological decision. my life, and my dear intended's life, do not belong to ourselves. we both belong to God.

i am so rambling, but there is so much in my head to be poured out, poured over, and poured into by the Lord. this is heavy. this is a lot to deal with.

this is big, and it will only be growing. this is consuming, this encircles so much of my life, my future life, and my faith. God is my center, and everything spans out from there ... sex and kids and marriage and what to do about it are under His wings, too. i will close this terrible introduction with Scripture:

And when the disciples heard this, they were very astonished and said, "Then who can be saved?" And looking upon them, Jesus said to them, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." (Mt. 19:25-26)

"The things impossible with men are possible with God." (Lk. 18:27)

yeah, i know, this is talking about salvation. but, salvation encompasses all aspects of our life - emotional, spiritual, mental, physical - and sanctification is a process that God gives us to participate in our whole lifetime long. so, there are many things in life that seem impossible, but all of them, even waiting to have children without taking the Pill, are possible with God. and whether that sounds like foolishness or wisdom to you, i believe it with all my heart.

arg. there is so much left to write ...

re:focus (an open letter instead of spoken words)

2006-04-24T14:09:00.000-04:00

blogging what i can't say out loud, as always, much to the displeasure of some. oh well. will i ever blog to the general populous? i keep just blogging to myself or to one person or God. does anyone else read this besides the handful who comment? if not, then really it doesn't matter ... this is my life, up and down, round and round. right now, it's round and round and i want off. i'm going to step off here and lay it out. this is it for me because the only way is forward. it's time to refocus, to remember what it's all about. life is so much more than my feelings, my wants, my needs, even if they can be so loud and heavy and crazy and crowding sometimes. i could say that lately i've just felt like i've had ants in my pants, but ... i won't go there right now. itchin' to be gettin' hitched, to be coy. but ... er ... yeah. that's a whole other blog and one that is still in process. maybe after exam week is over (sometime after may 18th). arg. i'm embarrassed for typing so much of my mind-set right now, but i'm not going to delete it.

tee-hee.

okay, enough. this is what i want to say here today before i go get some sunshine.

i am too crazy about you to let things get this crazy. God is too faithful, too strong, too loving to let this continue if we just ask Him, trust Him, rest in Him. rest. that would be nice. will i ever rest? i can nap, but it's not resting. it's just an idling roll along the rough-shod highway life has been lately. really, it's not napping without you. it's not sleeping. it's not doing laundry. it's not vaccuuming or cleaning the bathroom. it's not walking the dog. something has always been missing inside and now that i know it's you, it's a strange, wonderful/terrible way to live until the puzzle is completed.

now don't get me wrong here in my ramblings, Jesus is still the center. Jesus is my lifeline. without Him, how would i get out of bed? He is my bread, just as the Holy Spirit is my living water. but, with you crashing through those walls i had so carefully constructed, i know His promises are true. and i am still so happy and excited to hang on to such things for the next three months. sometimes, it's just so hard. it's like staring at the sunset and realizing that i just want to be a cloud. i want to be where the sky becomes horizon instead of on the mountaintop lookin' on.

ah, but patience is a virtue. i often say i don't have time for it. and it shows. oh, how it shows. can i apologize enough for these scars? can i apologize enough for the things i don't let the Lord have to heal?

how wonderful it's been - especially lately - to see God work out His salvation in my life. i can't do ... i haven't been able to do any of this on my own, and it's been when i try that things get so messy.

there's a future and it's bright like today's weather - cotton clouds and crisp blue sky, fresh green and newly-mowed grass. it's beautiful and it's a journey. it's deserts and forests and mountains and valleys and green pastures and untilled fields. it's an adventure, and this is a totally new kind of wanderlust i am suffering (not all who wander are lost either, as dear Tolkien reminds us). i am being changed, prepared, tilled, and sewn. not just for Him, but for you, too. my whole life has been, here and there, or maybe all the time, a preparation. i haven't always paid attention, and i've too often gone off to do my own thing instead of let Him have His way. it shows. oh, how it shows. but, the glorious thing is how this broken vessel, this wounded spirit, can be filled with a grace and love of the One in Heaven, filled to overflowing, as a gift i can never repay to Him and as a gift i get to give to you.

i take Christ for granted all the time, and that's terrible. i have taken you for granted, and that's terrible, too. last night was no exception, and i don't want to be in this frustrating rut anymore. we both need to break out of it before it becomes the norm and realize that there is so much more, so much more.

so, i cling to His word to put this all back together again, to grease the wheels that have been sticking and clanging and grinding ...

Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. (2 Cor. 3:5-6)

So, as [we] who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against [each other]; just as the Lord forgave [us], so also should [we]. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in [our] hearts, to which indeed [we] were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within [us], with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another wil psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in [our] hearts to God. Whatever [we] do in word or deed, do all in the name of Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father. (Colossians 3:12-17)

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in a bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:1-3)

let us not, love, forget our first love who is Christ. for we can only love each other because of His love for us, and that is beautiful indeed. i look forward with hope and love and joy to what the Lord has in store for us in marriage, and though right now is a trying time with school and all other craziness, we can totally overcome because He has already walked this path before us!

(so much for being a general blog indeed. sumimasen!)

no more double digits

2006-04-21T14:40:00.000-04:00

I know I've got a counter posted already, but I just have to blog it - 99 days until I get married! Wow. That's barely over 3 months (see below). How carzy. I know that May will fly by - finishing school, moving out, house-sitting, going to Michiko's wedding, moving my stuff from my parents' to the future apartment, etc. June will most likely be just as fast with lots of working here in Columbia. Then, oh my, then it will be July! If this time slips by fast, I can only pray that I make the most of it in the Lord and with my friends here in SC.

I have more I could write, but I am off to search for paper so that I can print my invitations to this up-and-coming wonderful event. Maybe, if I get time tomorrow, I will post all that's been on my mind.

Until then - HOORAY! Out into this glorious spring weather I go ...

encouraging Word, always.

2006-04-11T16:31:00.000-04:00

life has been a little rough around the edges lately. not hard. not bad. just rough. but God is faithful in this stormy time of sudden changes and not-so-smooth transitions. God is patient with my impatience, loving with my selfishness, and strong in His support.

God is serious business. He won't be trifled with ... But God doesn't lose His temper. He's powerful, but it's a patient power. Still, no one gets by with anything. Sooner or later, everyone pays ... God is good, a hiding place in tough times. He recognizes and welcomes anyone looking for help, no matter how desperate the trouble. (Nahum 1:1-2, 7 MSG)

What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it - we're called children of God! That's who we really are. (1 John 3:1 MSG)

There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment - is not one yet fully formed in love. We, though, are going to love - love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first. (1 John 4:17-19 MSG)

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7 NIV)

though i may stumble and i may worry, i know i can trust in the Lord. He is my stronghold, my strength, and my deliverer. He knows my heart, and He has walked these paths before me. the battle may get rough, and i may even lose. but it is with confident assurance that i stand fast, for my God, Lord of Hosts, has already won the war. (see also: psalm 86)

sometimes, it's so hard to put things down - and i'm not just talking about pride, but people, desires, loves as well. yet, so beautiful is the freedom when Jesus picks them all up from my open hands. ah. yes. i can quote Paul in Galatians 5:1 with a tired but trusting smile, "Christ has set us free to live a free life! So take your stand!" (MSG)

this is the day!

2006-03-31T10:29:00.000-05:00

3 + 3 + 3 + 3 + 3 + 3 + 3 + 3 + 3 = me!

countin' down

2006-03-30T19:52:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'll find some way to make my own countdown like this one:

Have I mentioned that I'm excited? Not lately, I know ... but I am SO excited. The time is flyin' by, especially with school and work to keep me busy. Hooray!

sunshine through the rain

2006-03-28T14:45:00.000-05:00

yesterday's posting was a little heavy, and i just want to augument that weight with the love of Jesus. look, things are hard, and i don't mean to be negative. i'm not trying to sound that way. gosh, i love my mom very much, but there are things i can't let chain me down. i can't drag this around anymore, for the sake of my Lord and my family. that's all i'm trying to express, i guess.

it's not easy to grieve. to mourn. i don't want to. but when i sit here in the rain and let the clouds close in on me, who am i honoring? who am i serving but myself?

the sunshine for me is the comfort of God's sovereignty in my life. i can look back on these few years since i've given my heart to Him and see how He's stepped in, time and time again, with a family, a true family, in Christ for me. i've got moms everywhere, even in Japan. i've got family everywhere, in several states and a couple of countries.

it's a beautiful thing, and it's what keeps the sunshine sparkling through the rain right now. i know it's up there, behind the clouds of grief and struggle, shining on, promising warmth.

life isn't supposed to be easy, but with Jesus, it's always always always better.

an orphan at almost 27

2006-03-27T20:42:00.000-05:00

it's very hard to mourn the loss of someone who's not dead. it's very hard to let go of someone who's still, at least in body, if not in relationship or proximity, really gone. for me, it is not that I must mourn the loss of a whole person, bodily, but of a whole personality, relationally. for me, right now, as God is moving in my heart, I must say goodbye to someone who was, for a good part of my life, my whole life. she sang to me. she read to me. she told me I could conquer the world. she hung out with me. she loved me. she left me, finally, though not physically. she disappeared, fading over time, under layers of dirt and dust and hurt and alcohol that I may never be able to understand.

with help, I came to the painful conclusion today that I must not hang onto what's not there. I must let go of the things I have no control over. I must honor the woman as she is now and not cling to who she was, who I want her so badly to still be. my mom, as I remember her, is gone. (I swallow hard as I say that because it is still difficult to believe.) I must stop waiting at the window. I must stop expecting everything to change every time we talk on the phone or I see her in person. I must stop waiting for her to come back.

at this point, she's not coming back. if it is God's blessed will to redeem her, to gather what's left of my mother into His loving arms and save her by His grace through the transforming love of Christ ... then even who she is now will pass away. she will be completely made new, unrecognizably so. just as I have.

right now, as things are, and as I live my life in expectation and longing, I am not honoring who she has become. I may still be honoring who is lost, but I cannot serve her in Christ as long as I am looking behind me instead of ahead of me. I cannot love her truly if I only love who she was and not who she is. I will only continue to hurt myself in this disobedience and selfish stubbornness.

I lost my dad at 13 when he left mom and I. I lost him for good at 17 when he passed away. I don't know when I lost my mom, but I know only the Lord can find her now.

I must live this life that my Father in heaven has called me to. I must put down the luggage and stop dragging the corpses behind me. here, today, I bury my dead. I will mourn and I will struggle, but He is infinitely more faithful than I can imagine. God has been so careful with my tender heart. this hurts more than I can ever put into words, written, verbal, or thought.

today is a wonderful, terrible day.

Thanks, mom, for how wonderful you were. You told me I could do whatever my heart desired, and I needed to hear that as a kid. I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for your love and encouragement. I miss you. I love you. I know and trust that God listens to my prayers for you and I. It is my ardent hope that He will redeem this time of suffering in your life. I eagerly await the new creation He has planned for you, yet I cannot cling to what is no longer there.

these are my open hands. this is my open heart. I've dug in my heels, I've gritted my teeth, and I've held all of this from You for long enough. I can't do this anymore.

I let go. I say good-bye.

non-posting

2006-03-24T14:16:00.000-05:00

Yes. Well. I've been away. For two weekends in a row I've been in OH/WV (That's not some weird code, btw, it's Ohio/West Virginia. Where I'm from, it's basically the same place, just with a river in between ...), and the week in the middle was spent in classes with Justin. Being adorable, he actually spent his spring break in three days of classes with me. Yay!

This week has been (it's over already?) my spring break. What have I been doing? Reading, reading, reading ... and sleeping. And working. Mostly reading, however. I'm trying to get a book report done early, as well as get caught up (not ahead, however unfortunate that may be) on some other reading for my three classes. It's been, well, tiring. Reading is fun, in small doses. In the quantities I've been doing, it's just plain blah. Then again, I can't complain.

Anyway, it's been a restful week, and a really indescribable two weeks. So much is going on, I can't even begin to write about it right now. Maybe later.

I must get back to ... homework.

this boundless love

2006-03-08T13:44:00.000-05:00

I don't mean to have a theme lately, but God has just been pressing and pressing and pressing upon me the craziness of His boundless love. I feel like so many grapes or so many olives, spilling over with precious juice or oil. The sun is shining, the air is crisp with hints of spring tenderly scenting the air. The stretched-out clouds only emphasize this transition from season to season; a thin resistance to the hand of God sweeping away the dead and old and ushering in the fresh and green and new.

Oh, how beautiful indeed is the new! It cannot even compare to the old. There is no resemblance between the radiant wings of a butterfly and the clumsy stubs of the caterpillar that shed its own skin to make its change. My favorite phrases this new year have been "redeeming the time" (from Ecclesiastes, I do believe ... maybe?) and, strangely enough, "this side of Heaven" (don't ask me where that came from). Both, though seemingly unrelated, are coming together day by day. (144 and counting, by the way ... but this is all so much more than that, of course.)

This desert is blooming. These sands are shifting. Streams in the deserts. Valleys raised up. Mountains laid low. Isaiah speaks of this, and as I read his prophetic word for BIB6428 I hear the Lord not only speaking to the entire nation of Israel thousands of years ago, but I hear Him, now, speaking to me! To me! The garden of my heart has been plowed up, and in the loam so much new and beautiful is growing. No longer sprouting, but growing.

It's not always comfortable. Sometimes, it hurts to grow.

I am in motion. Inertia has me. I can feel the movement, but I have yet to grasp the direction. Like an electron spinning in it's cloud, I cannot know everything about my soul at once. Transition. Change. Foreward, pressing onward.

please love let's make no impartial vow / let all fall away / that's not crucial now / I want a brave love, one that makes me weak in the knees / I want a crazy, crazy love / one that makes me come undone at the seams / 'cause I'm tired of all these pilgrims, these puritans, these thieves / of all these unbelievers who whittle love down at the knees / let these swift roads destroy themselves / let the world fall into its sleep / for we shall be spared / we shall be left standing / to face what's left of concrete and honey / kiss the flame / let's run with the hunted, the untamed / kiss the flame / embrace the faceless, the unnamed / kiss the flame / there are nightmares on the sidewalks / there are jokes on TV / there are people selling thoughtlessness with such casualty / but wherefore art thou Romeo / where have all the brave men gone / show me one man who knows his own heart / to him I shall belong / kiss the flame / let's run with the hunted, the untamed / kiss the flame / embrace the faceless, the unnamed / kiss the flame / kiss the flame / kiss the flame / please love let's make no impartial vow ("kiss the flame," Jewel; Spirit)

These paths may be new and unfamiliar to me, but they are not left umarked. My Lord has walked them all before me, and He knows where all the tender, green-growing-things are to be found. His love knows no bounds, no matter how hard I try to box Him in. His plans are perfect, no matter how often I try to make my own. His faithfulness is wonderful, despite my sin. I am so thankful for His tenderness, His lovingkindness, in all aspects of my life (even the messy ones). Sometimes, I can see or hear or feel God's nearness with lucidity and clarity, like in the budding of early spring flowers, the kind counselling words of friends, or the precious embrace of the one I love.

God's a part of all of those things, and as He turns the pages toward the next chapters of my life, I can only pray softly, with a bit of fear and trembling mixed into my thrill and trust, "Bring it on!"

i'm no cousteau

2006-03-06T10:34:00.000-05:00

i'm standing here on Love's broad beach. the sun is high; the sand is hot. i'm squinting at the far fading blues, trying to find where sea meets sky. i have to own up to where i'm standing - here on the shore of something More. my toes are wet from the lips of waves; the depths ahead are like i've never known. i'm no cousteau. i'm no submarine. i've never swam out past the safety of the shallows, never dove beneath this Sea into the darker, deeper waters beyond what i can understand.

what do i know that He does not? can i make the tides? can i tame the waves? what can i do but stand here in the breeze, smelling of salt and so much water? who am i that this ocean was made for me? who am i that Love is calm and inviting? the Lord has walked on water before me and i can only stand here on the sand ... and stare instead of swim.

i am a grain of sand on this beach, not even a sandcastle. i am a wisp, a vapor, hardly strong enough to swim against the tide. something inside stirs and churns; i long to brave the cold just to be swept up in the Current. i long to risk the undertow just to ride the waves and see the depths.

the ocean is deeper than mountains are tall. there is teeming, abundant, glorious life within its varied blues.

there is so much out there. so much out there in You.

cast me upon Your waters like so much bread. sweep me away in the tide beneath a crisp full moon and uncountable stars. teach me to love like You do. teach me to trust in Your faithfulness. teach me to give life in abundance in Your name.

get me off this beach and into the water, even if i drown.

photosojourning

2006-03-02T15:49:00.000-05:00

So, I've had this up and rambling for a little while, but I haven't done anything about it. It was a spin-off of this particular blog's redesign. I want to keep photos and words a little more separate, but I also want to be more deliberate about taking more photos. Often. Much more often than I do now. Go look.

There will, of course, still occasionally be photos here, but ... anyway. A sort of photoblog is an excuse to, well, take photos. Indeed.

Lost and found.

2006-02-27T18:10:00.000-05:00

Things lost this weekend: my dog; my confidence (in my parents' ever changing); my trust (in my strength to step out of this destructive pattern); my rebellious dislike for a particular book (His Needs, Her Needs); and my paralyzing fear of neediness (even of You, Lord).

Things found this weekend: the wonderful necessity of Justin's love and patience; the curious informative nature of even difficult literature; the comfort of Kendra's words and couches (especially her words, as always); God's vicarious provision and strength; and, thankfully, my dog.

There and back again: a Savannah adventure indeed. Inside and outside, this was quite a weekend. One hard lesson, repeated again and again. One mischevious dog, bolder and badder than ever. One good friendship, a blessed family from God. One fascinating fiance, still with so much to discover and enjoy. This was a weekend of rain and sun, tears and joy. This was a weekend of two extremes, but did I show it? Would you ever know the tumultuous motion within my heart? Maybe I didn't say it out loud. Maybe I didn't let anyone know just exactly what passed between the Holy Spirit and my heart.

There's something joyous about suffering when the hand of the Lord is discovered in its midst. There's something joyous about understanding and revelation, especially when it relates to someone you love. There's something joyous about this rag-tag, hold-tight, no-crap-allowed sort of family Christ has thrown together for me here on this side of heaven. Something glorious, even.

What else do you have in store for me? Today, I feel like with You by my side, O Lord, I could take it all on ... but only because You're right here. Thank you.

Closer still, yet far enough for now.

2006-02-23T17:39:00.000-05:00

It's hanging on my door: a plastic bag, white and opaque, barely veils the dress I'll be getting married in. It's there, though. I can see the lines of the fabric from beneath the garment bag; delicate traces of a vicarious future event. I sit on the edge of my bed and stare as the last of the afternoon sun pours through the window behind me and across the floor. My ears are ringing. Not with bells, but with the quickening of my own pulse.

That's my wedding dress. Right there. On the door.

Read those words again. Again.

Breathe. Deeply. (I always forget to do that.)

Reality crashes through the window, loud and golden with the sun rays. Life sparkles, catching dust lazily floating in the air, and the breath of God wisps through the trees outside. I hold my own breath (again) and stare at that white plastic bag with tears in my eyes. Hot tears. My cheeks burn. Laughter. Sniffles. Sunlight. Love.

This is not my life. When am I going to wake up? This can't be my life. When is this all going to stop feeling so real? Oh. Wait. It is real. This is my life. That, there, on the door, is my future. Five months from now, I'm going to wear that dress on the best day of my life. My life. Our life. A gift, a blessing, a purchase by the grace and mercy of God through the blood of Jesus. A precious, amazing, mind-boggling gift.

My vision blurs. The joyous tears are still there. My pulse pounds in my ears with the Word of God in my heart:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment ... Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:3-4)

Oh, that I may take hold of that unfading beauty! Oh, that Your radiance may be the light in my eyes and the fire in my heart, burning away ugly chaff and making room for beautiful greenery within!

That's the most amazing dress I'll ever wear on my closet door, and I am waiting with unspeakable anticipation for all that it stands for.

Blur.

2006-02-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

A wonderful weekend just slipped by way too fast. What a whirlwind of good things, even the hard things, yes, even the stressful things, this weekend was. A delayed Valentine's delight of activity and closeness, unmarred - perhaps enlightened, even - by a bit of anxiety and stress. God coming through with a pillow for my head and a warm place for my dog. He always does. Sunday was a long day of His service and a blessed opportunity to work alongside the one I love. Monday, squeezed short by school, slowed down into the much-anticipated first pre-marital counseling session. Glorious and exciting.

Things are, of course, suddenly more official and much more anticipated than ever before.

Last week was hard. Maybe I was a lot more hormonally influenced than I realized, but I do believe my struggles, aggrivated though they may have been by my sometimes unruly womanliness, are real. My burdens, my issues, my pink fresh scars on my fragile heart, are not figments of my monthly cycle. They are real, and it was with beautiful timing and wonderful assurance that my dear Justin made his choice to address them. Does he know how much I appreciate his words? Terribly much.

The Lord is our strength and our shield, but it is by His grace that He has given me Justin to be my knight bearing His banner. His love is a seal upon my heart, tender though it may sometimes be.

Patience He is teaching us. Lovingkindness, too. Admiration, appreciation, affirmation ... all in all agape. Sacrificial love. Vulnerability is hard, even though we both want such things for each other. We drag our heels. We withdraw our hands. But God still makes a way for us.

How glorious is His faithfulness! How encouraging is His steadfast love!

He is persistent even when we are not.

Yeah, we've wrestled, but the Lord will overcome. Yeah, we still wrestle, and will wrestle, but the Lord won't quit. I am so thankful and constantly amazed by the vicarious pursuit of my loving God, not just in my heart, but in Justin's. Wow. What a priviledge to be given a front-row seat in watching His awesome work in another human's heart. Why am I so blessed to see? To feel?

Who am I, Lord, that You would be so mindful of me?

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

I can count on my hand the months left before I'm a wife. I can look at my fingers and smile, knowing that all of this is not my own, but the Lord's. Somehow, some way, something is different. The anxiety is joy, not fear. Anticipation is handing over my faith to a God who does good things for those who trust Him, not wondering in a work my hands have made. Foundations are being poured still, rich in His abounding love. He is a rock, and I want to build my house on Him, in Him. For that is what we are doing: building a house. A home. Something living, something breathing, something growing, something moving, something real in His Spirit and His Life. Something for His glory, only no longer apart, but together.

What big words. What profound implications. What priviledge. What responsibility. Intimidating? Yes. Worth every bit of this hard stuff? Yes.

The Lord is our strength and our song, He has become our salvation; this is our God, and we will praise Him; our ... God, and we will extol Him. The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is His name. (Exodus 15:2-3, changes Justin's)

The Lord is indeed fighting with us and for us. He has already walked this path before us, and He knows our hearts better than we know each others' and better than we know our own.

Put me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, jealousy as severe as Sheol; its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, nor will rivers overflow it; if a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, it would be utterly despised. (Song of Songs 8:6-7)

I enjoyed my weekend, and I have no desire on waiting on you. Let us both wait on the Lord. Let us walk alongside each other, together, and follow in His footsteps.

He has brought us to His banquet hall, and His banner over us is love. (Song of Songs 2:4, changes mine)

Let His perfect love cast out all fear, and in His time, make all things perfect. He is a consuming fire; may He burn away all our chaff. May His flames bring healing, to even our secret hurts and long-held scars. May He be the one to not only cleanse our temple but bring us joy.

The Lord our God is in our midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over us with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over us with songs of joy. (Zephaniah 3:17, changes Justin's)

Reachin' out and holdin' on ...

2006-02-15T17:33:00.000-05:00

Everyday, I know You're there, Lord. Everyday, I know You're waiting. The sun comes up, peeking through the trees and slanting through my shades, spilling into my room. Each morning, I am new. Each morning, I've got another day to reach out to You. Some days, I'd rather stay in bed. Others, I think I have too much to do that doesn't need Your help or care. But, there are those days - those precious days I wish were more often than they are - that I wake up knowing that I need You, wanting You, asking for You by name before I even roll back the covers. Those are the days most wonderful.

Days like today are wonderful, too. Today, slowly, like a fog rolling away from some forgotten ocean shore, You revealed Your face to me in perfect time. I knew that if I could just stick it out, if I could hold on just a few more minutes, in worship today ... I knew I would see Your face. And I did. And it is glorious, as always.

I could have curled up in that red-cushioned chapel chair. I could have curled up and sighed, "Oh Lord, I have missed You." I could have, but I was too caught up in Your glory, in the light of Your countenance, to even remember how long it's been since we've seen each other before.

Oh, I have missed You. While You are always there, I am not. I am sorry I've been away, somewhere else, when all I've needed was You. Let me tarry. Keep me here. This is where I need to be. Every day. Hold on, because I'm tired of grasping. Hold on to me, so I don't keep slipping away!

Systematic Soapbox

2006-02-09T16:56:00.000-05:00

Today, my Systematic Theology 2 class had to sit in on the other section's class because our teacher is out with bronchitis. We're currently looking at the doctrine of man (anthropology). Today's topic in the other section was human sexuality. Within the first hour of the class, it became abundantly clear to me that even Christians have huge misunderstandings, heavy burdens, and deep hurts about sexuality. I'm not just referring to the current hot topic of homosexuality - don't get me started on that. I'm talking about the very understanding of our own bodies, created in the very image of God, as well as the purposes of sexuality in our lives at all.

What really bakes my noodle is the fact that any discussion of aberrant sexual behavior, especially within a Christian context, focuses on the masculine. As if women don't struggle with the same issues? Adultery, pornography, lust, physical temptation, etc. ... These things are so often spoken of as a man's problem, a man's struggle, a man's sin. Eve fell first. Our sin is no less. Our wiring may be different, our bodies may be different, but sin is sin. Satan is out to destroy the image of God in both our genders, not one over the other. Our bodies, not just our souls, are a battleground.

Sexual sin is different from all other sin because it is a sin directly against our own bodies - directly against our personal, unique, and wonderful identity found through our personal, unique, and wonderful image of God. Paul says in 1 Corinthians:

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? ... Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's. (6:15a, 18-20)

I suppose this could become a long, rambling expression of my discontent with the state of outreach to women. Maybe it's because I've never been to a women's conference or retreat or even a women-only small group. Maybe I've missed out on these discussions. Maybe these things are talked about all the time. Maybe women do have places where they can be vulnerable about their own spectrum of sexual struggles. Maybe. I just know that when I needed someone, I didn't know where to go. When I needed someone to say, "Hey, I've been there. You're not alone. God cares," I couldn't find anyone. I was too afraid to ask.

Just as divorce slips by under the radar in church so often, so, too, I've felt in my short Christian walk, has the nature of sexual sin in the feminine heart.

Class today left me hungry, left me thirsty, left me chaffing a bit at the bridle. I know where I've been. I know the rocky trail God has sometimes dragged, sometimes carried, sometimes come alongside me on. I still have bumps, bruises, scrapes - shadows of wounds and choices I can never take back. I am in healing, but I bear a burning, insatiable desire to share the truth with others like me.

Hey, I've been there. You're not alone. God cares.

Yes, sin is still sin. I don't want to glaze over that in my life or in any area of the sexual. While Paul does go on to say in 1 Corinthians that "All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify." (1 Corinthians 10:23), that is no excuse. That is a mandate to realize how serious the issue of sin in our lives really is. We are called to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48). Paul also says, just a few verses before speaking of his freedom in 10:23 that, "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." (10:13)

I'm also not saying that if you're in Christ and still struggling with things, you're terrible and God doesn't love you. Oh, I could never say that. I spent way too long in my early Christian walk wondering if I even knew the Lord at all because of my issues. I still have brief, dark, terrible moments of wondering. But such doubt leads me back to the foot of the cross every time. Jesus is always there, next to me (for He's not on the cross anymore!), ready and waiting. Sanctification is a process. If it wasn't, we'd be saved and go straight to heaven for sure. But, most of us don't get to do that. God has other plans. So, take heart! Please, take your heart to Christ!

Sometimes, I grit my teeth and tell my self that one day - one day! - I will have a Bible study or a small group or a something-or-other and reach out to other girls, like me, who felt so isolated, terrified, and alone by their sexual sin. Yes, men can come to an auditorium and speak to students openly about their struggles with pornography ... but can women come and speak about how Christ has helped them conquer emotional and physical lust? Is it safe? Both are shameful sins ... indeed ... But if an awareness about the percentage of Christian men - in leadership positions - struggling with sexual sin is shocking, what would the percentage of Christian women struggling with the same issues be like? I have a sinking feeling the difference in numbers would be very little of a difference. Seriously.

So, this soapbox isn't much. I'm rambling. I'm frustrated. I'm inspired but wonder if it's just me being my volatile self. I am easily excited, and some things push my buttons. Maybe I haven't been looking around, but the women I know who struggle(d) as I do seem to be telling me that they, too, haven't found what they were looking for until we all found each other.

I pray, with a kind of zeal that sometimes surprises me, that one day, He will use me to find others like me. I want to be able to share what Christ as done in me, for me, and with me. He is far from finished, so I would love to find others who may be a little further down that rocky road to say to me, too, "Keep walking."

Okay. That's my barely-scratched-surface soapbox. There are some things, believe it or not, that are not appropriate for blogging about. Some of my life is included in that category. But if you've read this and it means something, tell me.

The Fall of a virtual Jerusalem?

2006-02-09T16:44:00.000-05:00

Read this and ponder. Let it ruminate with you, especially since you are right now on the internet, enjoying it. Would you be willing to pay for each viewing? Each page? Somewhere, in the dark recesses of the consumerist media empire, such things are being plotted. At this very moment. Scary.

Watashi ha makezugirai hito desu.

2006-02-03T15:44:00.000-05:00

Some days, I just trudge along, hoping to "just get it right." I hate to lose. I hate even worse to simply fail. I know my limits, and when I reach even close to them, I tend to prefer to drop out of the task than to push myself too far and risk something of who I am.

God's stepped in time and time again to remind me that no matter what I do, if it's apart from Him and His will, I will fail every time ... even if I think it's well within my capabilities. If I don't trust Him first, then the bull or goat or ram is just so much smoke and ashes, not a fragrant offering. That's the life He's calling all of us to - lay it down so that He can pick it up.

Even in this.

The "Real" Working Life

2006-02-02T17:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, it's easy to get caught up in busyness as much as it is simply business. Such and such needs to get done, at such and such a time, to such and such a degree of craftsmanship. With three classes and about three jobs, it's too easy for me to get caught up in working for the sake of working ... as well as cutting corners and throwing stuff together just to get it done. However, in chapel today, God said, "Hey, remember me? Yeah. You're working for me." More specifically, He says:

Let every detail in your lives - words, actions, whatever - be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way ...Servants, do what you're told by your earthly masters. And don't just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you'll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you're serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being Christian doesn't cover up bad work. (Colossians 3:17, 21-25 MSG)

With classes having started this week and still much to be done with the CIU website, not to mention with Ben Lippen's Office of Advancement, it is very important for me to be reminded of who the real Boss is. All this work I'm doing is for His glory. And I don't mean just homework. Working on the website is a chance to advertise what an awesome school this is, and thus opens a myriad of ways for God to glorify Himself. It's hard work. It pushes me, especially since I've been out of the field for 3 years. Sometimes, I just want to give up. But God's got me doing this for a reason. And it's great.

Thanks, Lord, for putting in perspective today. I needed that.

Woops. How did this happen?

2006-02-01T17:25:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when you're working and going to school at the same time and need to do something in between to keep sane. This re:design has been a five-second change here and a five-second change there over the past few weeks or so, mostly while I've been working on the CIU website. Yes, there is someone else's blog I need to be working on. That's next on the agenda, dear. I promise.

So ... uh.

2006-01-25T20:29:00.000-05:00

I haven't been writing much lately. If you scan down below, there is a post from September, a handful from October, a November post, and two January posts (counting this one.) What an amazing journey these few months of sparse posting totally glazes over? A little rambling there. What do I have this blog for if I don't use it? I used to. Why don't I now?

Surely, now, of all the times in my life, I have so much more to write about than ever. Don't I? I suppose. Is it worth sharing? Probably.

Hmm.

Despite the excitement, I feel disconnected. From God? I'm not sure. I feel so close yet so far away at the same time. It must be new growth sprouting from within. I can only pray for more patience with such fragile buds. From my family? Very much so. I often wonder if I will ever really, and I mean really, let go. Our wounds are deep and so very tender. I want God to heal them. On His time. The real question is, though, when will I let Him? From the one I love? Only by distance, and that in itself isn't very far. A phone is no substitute for a whole person. Distance, for me, is relative most of the time. So, I only feel distant because I think it's me who's far away. From what? I don't know.

Everything is in transition again. Always for the better. I know this, even though it's so often uncomfortable. I squirm. I sigh. I dig my heels. I want to just listen. But first, I have to just stop talking ...

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting.

Oh let Israel say, "His lovingkindness is everlasting."

Oh let he house of Aaron say, "His lovingkindess is everlasting."

Oh let those who fear the Lord say, "His lovingkindness is everlasting."

From my distress I called upon the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me in a large place. The Lord is for me, I will not fear; what can man do to me? The Lord is for me among those who help me; therefore I will look with satisfaction on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes ...

The Lord is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation. The sound of joyful shouting and salvation is in the tents of the righteous; the right hand of the Lord does valiantly. The right hand of the Lord is exalted; the right hand of the Lord does valiantly. I will not die, but live, and tell of the works of the Lord. The Lord has disciplined me severely, but He has not given me over to death.

Open to me the gates of righteousness; I shall enter through them, I shall give thanks to the Lord. This is the gate of the Lord; the righteous will enter through it. I shall give thanks to You, for you have answered me, and You have become my salvation ...

This is the day which the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. O Lord, do save, we beseech You; O Lord, we besseech You, do send prosperity!

The Lord is God, and He has given us light; bind the festival sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar. You are my God, and I give thanks to You; You are my God, I extol You. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting. (Psalm 118:1-9, 14-21, 24-29)

Yeah. I needed that. Did you? I thought so.

Spoken for.

2006-01-09T20:14:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

2006 is the beginning of so much new - may it all stay the Lord's and not my own! So far all that is His has grown and blossomed, while so much of what was mine has been surrendered, changed, and put away. 2005 was green and vibrant, a garden overflowing its walls with spiritual, personal, mental, and emotional growth. I couldn't have asked for a better year; nor would I have traded any of the difficulties away for pleasantries. God chose to use all things to His glory, with or without my particular consent.

In 2005 I saw the Holy Land - Israel! - with my church. I was accepted to and attended my first semester of a wonderful seminary. I met a handsome young man with a musical mind to serve Christ wherever He takes him. I have been stretched, pushed, nurtured, broken, healed, and so much more ... all in one year! Two states, one school, and one godly man later, here am I Lord ... once again. 2005 is over. 2006 has begun with a bang! This threshold of a new year is like none other. What will it bring? More academic growth, more spiritual challenges, more opportunities for serving my God. Oh yeah, and a wedding! Yes. A wedding.

How mysterious, amazing, and generous is the love of God, whose sense of humor, purpose, and direction are always working for the good of those who love Him in return. It is by His gift of love alone that I can even be where I am and can even go where I am going!

Praise Him! May He bless this year as much as He blessed the last, not just for me, but for all of you. He is faithful in love, perfect in timing, and generous in mercy. 2005 was like no other year. Neither was 2004, 2003, 2002. May this year be even more of an adventure, and may I, in my weaknesses, remember to be thankful, prayerful, and worshipful for all that God grants me to live for this year!

Hooray!

(P.S. Justin says, "Hello everybody!")

Adequate inadequacy.

2005-11-01T10:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the words, "I love you" run off my tongue like so much peanut butter and white bread. Other times those same words are more resembling the pleasantness of milk and honey. Regardless, the weight of a single word (that middle one, love) is both inspiring and convicting. When I say such a thing, I am shocked not by the depth of my feelings, but my my shallowness; not by the intensity of my love, but by the weakness of it. I am humbled by the quiet, sudden, and not-so-gentle revelation of my inadequacy. I am jarred by the very idea that I cannot live up to what I am saying.

In the same spoken breath, I am made painfully aware that the words I speak cannot, utterly cannot, be my own. For the depth that I speak and the intensity that I feel is not my own love, but the very Love of God lived out through my feeble, clay frame. The limitedness of my own emotions is only revealed in its humble ignorance through the focused lens of God's intense and jealous love. It is God living through me, not me living through my own ambitions, that brings the word love to its fullness of meaning and purpose.

It is in His limitlessness that I find inspiration, encouragement, and direction. The words I speak are weighty, but, the context is not yet made full. Within the phrase itself there is so much wonderful potential. Those three simple words are capable of amazing growth - semantically, contextually, emotionally, spiritually.

What am I trying to say here? What am I working out in words like some lengthy math problem? I don't know. I can't put my finger on the squirming sensation. It's humbling and exciting at the same time. There is truth here, real Truth. God is speaking, moving, smiling. The things I feel are but shadows on the wall, and God Himself is the flame that casts them. The things I feel are but sprouts in soil, with so much fecundity and growth ahead until harvest, nestled in that nutty substance under the shell.

These three words will stay the same, but the depth and intensity of their meaning are going to change. The semantic weight of the word love is an amazing thing. I can entirely mean what I say now, yet know full well that what I mean still isn't enough ... nor is it complete. There is, in short, so much to look forward to.

There is wonderful encouragement, wonderful grace, in this revelation. God's love for us never changes, but as He works in our hearts, our ability to love grows more and more like His. Cutting open a seed and looking inside cannot reveal the tree it is to become. Cutting open my heart and looking inside cannot reveal the Source of the feelings that I feel. The potential for it all is in there, and there is indeed growth, slow but sure. Some things are present, but still forthwith. Everything is beginning, but far from over.

This is the beach, and my toes are wet with sea water. The ocean spreads out before me, first the shallow shore line littered with pebbles and swift tides, then the sudden drop of the continental ridge, and then the wild and varied depths of the open sea itself, vast and not entirely charted (yet entirely and utterly known by God).

This is love: that in my terrible inadequacy, I am made adequate in the love of God through Christ. This is love, also: that it grows, mysteriously and wonderfully.

"No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit ... Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him." (1 John 4:12-13, 15-16)

a change of seasons

2005-10-26T09:47:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry, dear blog, that I haven't had much to say to you. I've had so much to say everywhere else, in the form of short-answers, essays, term papers, and late-night/early-morning conversations with very special human beings. So, because of such distracting things, I have been neglecting you, dear blog.

My favorite season has arrived. Autumn stirs my heart like no other time of year. It is, for me, nearly magic. The temperature has dropped. I see my breath when I walk the dog in the darkness before and after sleeping. At night, I can see the pale, cloudy fuzziness of the Milky Way thinly whisping across the velvet purple sky. When the moon is out and full, my lawn looks like an alien landscape of tall grass and so many trees. In the morning, before the sun rises, Orion arches overhead in anticipation of the dawn.

My dog, of course, is oblivious to such things of poetic beauty, but I can tell the colder weather has begun to frisk him up a bit. He is shedding, just like the leaves, in preparation for the winter. I could knit a sweater, if I only bothered to save all that mess of hair that collects on the carpet, on my comforter, and in the corners of the kitchen. Only that would be rather strange. Or gross.

Driving home to Ohio this weekend with my lovely boyfriend was marvelous. Somewhere in Virginia while on the highway the trees changed color. I can't remember when. I just remember looking up from my stack of books and feeling my heart flutter at the multi-colored mountains. "It looks like a ~~quilt~~ afghan," he said. I could only giggle, for there is something about that changing of the leaves that just makes me grin from ear to ear. It beats spring hands down, and I can't tell you why. It's the stars, the crispness, and the colors that make the season for me.

There is something about the harvest that moves me. Everything is changing. The progression of seasons is testimony to the steadfast love of God. These changes are natural, and they are His ... both in the natural world, and in my heart. It is beautiful.

But, enough metaphor. Surely, dear blog, people might one day wish to read this for practical content. Maybe one day I will write practical content. Like an update on my actual life. Not right now. I've got too much work to do ...

Silence is not a "yes," but this is not silence.

2005-10-17T21:34:00.000-04:00

{Daughters of Jerusalem}
"How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women? How is your beloved better than others, that you charge us so?"

{Beloved}
"My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand ... His yes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels ... His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars ... he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem ... My lover has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies. I am my lover's and my lover is mine ...

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires ...

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame, many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." (Song of Solomon 5:9-10, 12, 15b, 16b; 6:2-3; 8:4, 6-8 NIV)

The plow has turned over the soil of my heart; everywhere is fragrant with the comforting smell of deep earth. Rocks are dug up. Seeds are planted, warmed by the sun, watered. Something is blooming. Something is budding. Unfurling in the dark sweetness of the garden ground. God is tilling His vineyard with love. He is quiet, yet far from silent.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us ... Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth ... For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything ... This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and gave His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us ... There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear ..." (1 John 3:16, 18, 20b, 4:10-12, 18 NIV)

Oh, how far from silent is my Lord! He sings in His garden, those loamy places of my heart. He is patient, like one tending a bonsai. He is gentle, like one caring for orchids. He is purposeful, like one pruning a fruit tree. How glorious is His work. How wonderful is the work of His hands.

This is my heart You are changing. My hard, hurting, haughty heart. You are making it beautiful. You are making it into something all Your own. I do not want this for myself. Such a desire would be all rocks and no soil - no good for a garden. This must be Yours. All of this I must surrender, every day. I must yield to Your voice, because it is far, so far, from silent:

"My beloved spoke, and said to me: 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grapes give a good smell. Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away!' ..." (Song of Solomon 2:10-13 NKJV)

O love that wilt not let me go.

2005-10-07T12:27:00.000-04:00

A hymn written by George Matheson, which touched my heart more than a song has in a very long time. We sang it in chapel here at CIU on Tuesday. I was really moved by the words:

O love that wilt not let me go, I
rest my weary soul in Thee. I give Thee back the
life I owe, That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that follow'st all my way, I
yield my flick'ring torch to Thee. My heart restores its
borrowed ray, That in Thy sun shine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O joy that seekest my through pain, I
cannot close my heart to Thee. I trace the rainbow
through the rain, And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O cross that liftest up my head, I
dare not ask to fly from Thee. I lay in dust life's
glory dead, And from the ground there blossoms red,
Life that shall endless be.

Wow. Right? Yeah. Me too.

To answer your question, I turn to metaphor.

2005-09-28T10:29:00.000-04:00

I look and see that these are indeed the first green leaves poking out of fresh soil, tender and pale. Beneath the fragrant loam, yet another seed has split open, hinting at the mysteries of new life. Inside that cracked shell lies hidden the secret of growth for an entire tree, written out carefully by the hand of God. These tiny new leaves, still bowing heavily under the morning dew, could one day become a towering oak, capable of withstanding stormy winds, bitter cold, and dry, hot summers. Not yet, but one day.

In the soil of my heart are many seeds. Some sprouting, some growing; some still waiting with expectation. All of them delicate, yet possessing of a potential only God Himself can fathom. Some are destined to be mighty oaks, beautiful flowers, bountiful wheat, enticing fruits. My heart is a garden, planted by the Lord. I am only blessed to be the tenant, not the owner, of such a wonder. I may pretend to know what has been planted, what has been growing, and what has been tilled for harvest ... but, really, only God knows the true forms of these green growing things within.

"You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain. Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, with henna, and nard, nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with every kind of incense tree, with myrrh and aloes and all the finest spices. You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon." {Song of Solomon 4:12-15}

Praise be to my Lord that my heart is such a garden, and though fall is coming out here in the world I have been blessed to wander, I can see only spring blooming within!

What if ...?

2005-09-22T21:04:00.000-04:00

What if I told you every time I've ever shared my testimony, it's only been the top half? What if I told you every time I've shared what God has done in my life, it's only been the parts I'm comfortable talking about? What if I told you I've always kept who I really am to myself? What if I told you that today, for the first time, ever, in my entire Christian walk, I've told my whole story? What if I told you I can finally get all those words out I've never been able to say? What if I told you I've suddenly, irrevocably, spoken the whole truth about who I am and where I've come from? What if I told you I love God more today than I ever have my whole "Christian" walk? What if I said I have never lied, but I just haven't ever told the whole truth until now? What if I told you I don't care how you feel about that? What if I told you I have never been so secure in the love of Jesus like I am right now? What if I told you I'm sorry? What if I told you I'm free? What if I told you I'm terrified and excited at the same time? What if I said I don't know where to go from here? What if I told you there's no where left for me to hide? What if I told you the mask is off and the guard is down? What if I told you this is it? What if I told you this is the most Real I've ever been?

This is me. I am owning who I am just long enough to give myself away. I'm showing my face and my tears and my terror just long enough to fall on my face at the feet of the only One who loves me for who I really am. This is all of me.

Right now and for the rest of my life. Here I am.

At least I'm paid in full, right?

2005-09-14T18:10:00.000-04:00

What do the prices of gas, obedience, and distance have in common? They are all high.

Expectations of immediacy must be lowered in proportion to the relative distance between you and I. Imperfections glanced over in person are only revealed without the comforts of closeness. Weaknesses are unmasked by newness [or strangeness] and overwhelming change. The voice suffers without the face or the hands. Distance is hard. Distance costs. Is there enough change in my pockets? I would dig out every last penny for you. Do you know that? Well, I'm telling you.

Yet, should these hands disobey, do I cut them off and cast them into the fire? Would I render myself lost if they were to indeed rebel? Obedience is hard. Obedience costs. I am the body of Christ. These hands are not my own. They belong to Christ first, because I belong to Him before all others, no matter how much I painfully admit to sometimes sinfully, stubbornly, hard-heartedly thinking otherwise.

I can only set my own self down with weeping and gnashing of teeth. I'm standing here, hands open, squinting at the cross with more than a little trepidation, "If I give these things to you ... will it all really be alright? Oh Jesus, if I really surrender this time ... if I hand it all over for the millionth-gazillionth time ... can you just keep it? Can you just keep me from taking it all back? Please? I can't do this by myself. I know it. You know it. Help me, because I don't want to give these things to you."

I don't want to. And I'm sorry. But I will, anyway. Because You love me. I want to love You, too.

Maybe gas prices aren't so expensive after all.

Word!

2005-09-12T09:24:00.000-04:00

"Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ ... It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that!" {Galatians2:20 (MSG)}

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." {2 Peter 1:3-8 (NIV)}

Good morning!

Shedding leaves.

2005-09-10T17:53:00.000-04:00

My Lord and I have our best conversations in one of two unlikely places - the shower or the car. It is in those places, in my life, that He has most often spoken most loudly into my heart. I can't say why. Perhaps it's the privacy of both, along with the vulnerability of the first and the enjoyment of the second. (I like driving, long distances, with the windows down and the radio off.) Whatever the case, He spoke to me again this morning after a listless and hard-fought night.

Tiffany, He said quietly, You are precious to Me, and I love you. You are precious to Me, and I have blessed you. You are precious to Me, and I will continue to bless you. I have been with you, walked for you, and held you on all the paths I have led you on so far. You know this, but can you live it? All the blessings I have bestowed upon you so far are but a single talent - here and there - compared to the treasures and the wealth of My Kingdom. If I cannot trust you, if you cannot be a good steward, of even these simple blessings - amazing as they may seem to you, they are still simple to Me - then how can I ever entrust you with the wealth of My Kingdom in your heart? I love you, and I want you to have what is Mine.

I was very still in the shower. An advantage of all that water is that you can't see yourself cry.

Love is not for keeping. It's for giving away. Love is not for gaining. It's for sacrifice. The seeds I have planted in your heart are the seeds of great things - I have told you. But you must understand that you are not the owner of the garden of your heart ... you are the tenant. You are not the builder of the temple of your body, for I made you and I dwell within you. These things you must stop knowing and start living. These things are not hearsay, but My Truth. These things are not best lived out by others, but most importantly lived out by you first.

The voice of my Lord was very loud in my heart, in my ears. Louder than the rush of water.

Obedience is not about what you can't or won't do. Obedience is not about what you want or don't want to do. Obedience is not about what you can or can't get away with. Obedience is about your love for Me. Obedience is love-in-action. Obedience is sacrifice. Obedience is recognizing that you own nothing, not even the breath in your lungs.

There was a long pause. Maybe I had stopped listening. Maybe I had just started. I dried off. I got dressed. I sat on my bed and finished crying,

All good and precious things are from Me. I finish everything I start. My love for you is complete, but My work in this life I have given you is not. Therefore, do not bury this talent of blessed love I have given you through my Son, Jesus. Do not bury it in fear of my returning for it. Go out into this world I have made and invest it. Go out into this world and make it five-, make it ten-, make it one hundred-fold. Do not squander it in fear or selfishness, dear child, for you know in your heart which I have given you that all these blessings, all these trials, everything both good and hard, are from Me.

So, I sit here in silence once again. Dressed and ready to go out into the world. I love my God, my dearest Father in Heaven, who takes the time to bend over me and whisper in my ear. His quiet voice is precious, and his discipline worthy to be praised. I do not want to squander this love, but I am indeed afraid that because I feel it, He will take it away. I do not want to squander the blessings He has poured out upon me like so much expensive perfume, but so often I would rather keep the jar than break it over His feet.

School, relationships, rules, direction, family, bank accounts, and jobs included ... everything is His. None of it was ever mine to begin with. Everything is His, and I can rejoice for it. Please, dearest Jesus, help me to invest the precious new life you have given to me, especially this awesome renewal you have awakened me with. Don't let me waste your time anymore. Don't let me waste the breath in my lungs. Don't let me live this life for myself anymore. Don't let me live this life for anyone else but You. Please. It's all meaningless without You!

Looking forward to autumn.

2005-09-08T20:34:00.000-04:00

Summer is waning, slowly, yet steadily. It lingers in the air, somewhere behind the scent of fresh-cut grass and good ole southern humidity. The clouds sigh, fluffing as if released by the fading heat, white and pure against the bluer sky as summer struggles. Dew sits a little heavier, a little colder, on the crisp green grass of morning. The moon and stars are coming into sharper focus, sometimes, in the cool of the late evening.

As I squint ahead to October, I can only smile. I look forward, once again, as I do every year, to autumn. It is my favorite season. Not spring, but fall. Not the renewal, but the shedding. The sacrifices of the natural world in autumn are a yearly reminder of what I must do daily in Christ. Flowers fade, grass withers, and trees put on a brilliant display of color as they shed their leaves.

It is that bright, flaming moment before barrenness that captures my heart. Every year.

Living in Ohio last year and Northern Japan before often brought tears to my eyes when I was alone, staring at the trees. My Lord's merciful call for me to lay all of myself at His feet is played out in colorful abandon by the fading trees of fall.

This year, more than any other, I find I have more to lay down. Every morning. This year, more than any other, I find my heart longing for more of Jesus, standing in my pajamas in the cooler, dew-laden dawn. This year, more than any other, I look forward with reckless abandon to autumn. That I could, once again, more than ever before, be as much like the trees ... so that I could, in a brilliant and colorful and worship-full display, slough off all my leaves and let them fall to the feet of my Lord. Every last one.

For the promise of renewal, the promise of New Life, is forever present. Just as there has been summer, just as there is autumn, there will be winter; there will be spring. It is only if I can give all that I am that I can gain all who He is. It is only when I can give up my heart that I can find it again in His hands, like a river that begins flowing after the melting of a hard winter's icing over.

I fear though, this year for me, autumn must come a little early. God's season for surrender has come before the natural turning of the trees ...

Ready ... set ... GO!

2005-08-29T14:49:00.000-04:00

Roof over my head ... taken care of. Welcome Week ... survived with joy. Orientation ... no hypothermia, hooray. Registration ... check. Insurance ... check. Financial aid ... er, uh, yeah, that too. Books are ordered and one-by-one on their way. Church may have been found. Classes start on Thursday ... So. Does that mean I'm ready? Yes! Well, I pray so, anyway.

Wait ... what am I ready for?

"Do you see what this means - all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running - and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed - that exilarating finish in and with God - he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!" (Hebrews 12:1-11 MSG)

Here I am. Let's go!

God is the greatest Mad Scientist ... ever.

2005-08-25T20:38:00.000-04:00

So. I've got a lot to write at once. First, I'll start out with how great tonight's Welcome Week kick-off dinner was - if, of course, I leave out the rather bland cafeteria food standard we had as dinner. The fellowship was great. Not only did I sit with fun people, but I met everyone God has been trying to put in my path since before I even got here! I met Emily and Nathan. A Welcome Week staff member pointed Emily out to me as she walked by, and I simply snagged her and said: "Hey! I'm Tiffany." (No, I don't do that to everyone ... just people I expect to somehow know me when I say it.) And, Emily did. Then she snagged her boyfriend Nathan Forrest and said, "Hey, this is that girl your folks were talking about." So, there was joyous conversation and grinning all around.

Then ... I even met Nicole, who's the sister of a friend from college (Lissy!). How did I meet her? Oh, she was just in my family group ... A family group is CIU's way of letting us get to know people in our respective schools (mine being seminary/grad) during Welcome Week and such. I knew Nicole would be one of the new incoming students, but I didn't know she'd end up in group 23. I only guessed it was her because she resembles her sister very much ... and, well, we were wearing nametags. That always helps. Whoot!

How awesome is that? Praise the Lord that nothing He does is random!

I am beyond words excited and full of thanksgiving for all the crazy things God does in His time. Bam! Everything comes together with a simple exchange of smiles and cell phone numbers and ... wow. How did that happen? Jesus. That's how.

My other bit of news is my new job ... at least, one of them (I'll have to find one more p/t to keep the roof over my head ... suggestions are, of course, welcome). I'm going to be a Mad Scientist (for real, yo, I'm not kidding!). I'll be "edutaining" elementary-aged kids in after-school programs 2-3 afternoons a week, in a 1-hour hands-on, chock-full-o-fun session a day. Kindergarten through 5th grade is my target age group - which happens to be the age group I feel called to work with. Period. So, what an awesome, lab-coat-clad, nerdy, God-given experience of a job this could turn out to be!?

In case you can't tell, it's been a blessed day. I'm psyched and praising God for all the wonderful things that seem to be falling into place. And I mean *all* of 'em. Be thankful with me! Hooray!

Where my heart belongs.

2005-08-17T09:54:00.000-04:00

In my weakness, it seems so easy for me to let earthly fears overpower my fear of the Lord. In my weakness, it seems so easy for me to give my heart over to earthly comforts instead of heavenly confidence. In His patient way, the Lord is smashing those walls with His mighty hands and words:

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? ...Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When You said, "Seek my face," my heart said to you, "Your face, Lord, I will seek." ... I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!" (Psalm 27:1,7-8,13-14)

Today's Daily Bread reading is an awesome response from God to my personal struggles of late. There is nothing, no one, past or present, to fear when I am confidently seeking the His face. Even when things are uncomfortable, unsure, or unknown, He will strengthen my heart ... if I'm willing to wait on Him.

Separation Anxiety (read: what I can't say out loud)

2005-08-16T20:39:00.000-04:00

I'm here, still waiting ... anticipating what my unsurrendered heart considers the inevitable. I'm here, still waiting for you to go. I'm standing on my front porch, watching that big brown van drive away. I'm sitting in some strange church, staring at his silent ashes. I'm standing in the parking lot of my old high school, watching that boy get in someone else's car. I'm sitting on my bed in my old Gainesville apartment, watching that other boy leave the screened-in porch without another word. There is an ambiguous fear that clings to me like so many wet clothes, heavy and cold. It is, I suppose, that very hard place in my heart that I try - every day - to dig out and place on the altar before my Lord. Every day, scraping my nails on stone.

That was then; this is now, I tell myself again. I am a new person in Christ. Inside, however, in my sin, I am still twisting blessings into burdens, plowshares into swords. O Lord, in my heart of hearts, I know You're safe. It's You who knows all my needs, and in You I am satisfied. All Your good works are perfected in Your time, and there are no temptations I cannot bear without You. I know these things, but do I believe them? Can I say this out loud? Can I live it? I'm trying, every day.

This frustration. This anxiety. This wavering between trusting and fear.

You know my needs. I don't. You know these scars, these hard places in my heart. I can look back behind me all I want. I can let it catch me, hold me, trap me. I can look back at all the times I've put my heart on the line and had it broken ... But I know now that all of those times I was without You. I am with You now, so there can be nothing to stand against me.

According to 1 John 4:8, God is love. Therefore:

"God suffers long and is kind; God does not envy; God does not parade Himself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek His own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in inequity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. God never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8; God substituted for love)

People have failed me. People have broken my heart. People I have loved. People, I thought, who loved me. The love we are capable of as people, separated from God, doesn't even hold a candle to the vibrant, holy love of the Lord. The love we are capable of as people when we become children of God, on the other hand, is nothing less than a reflection of heaven itself. Living our lives in the love of Christ is the bringing of His kingdom to earth.

Taking my hand from the plow and looking back makes me unfit for His service. If I continue to look over my shoulder, squinting back at the heartache and fear, the brokenness I have come from, instead of looking ahead to the finish of this great race the Lord has run before me, runs with me ... then I will continue to be afraid. I will continue to hide my heart and my face from Him and from you.

Perfect Love casts out fear, and through His love I am being perfected. I am afraid of earthly love; terrified of these feelings and situations I have said I never wanted again ... but only when I look to myself instead of Him.

There is a difference this time and from now on: The difference is Jesus.

Keep me looking to You. Keep me trusting, steadfast, and sure. I can't pretend to know Your will, but I can stop pretending to trust You. I can start giving You my whole heart, hard parts and all. Your will is beautiful. Your blessings uncountable. Your love amazing. There is a difference. This is different. I know because You're in it. All of it. I can't pretend to know where this is going, but I can stop pretending to know what I'm doing. I can let go and not be afraid. I can stop looking back and start looking forward.

God's love is perfect, while mine is not. And that's okay, even when I don't understand.

Dogwash.

2005-08-10T19:40:00.000-04:00

So, these are photos from a while ago. Early July, I think. In Belpre, OH there's a pet-washing station attatched to a DIY car-wash place. It was too entertaining-looking to pass up, so the Justin and I gave it a test-run with Yusuke. Here are the soggy results. My dog is a wuss, and he cries like a little girl while he's being washed. So much for a macho dog for me. Oh well. He's terribly cute when unhappy and wet, isn't he?

Ah. That was a fun time. I got soaked, too ... but it was worth it. The only downside was that the dryer really didn't have enough uummf for my double-coated dog to really get dry. But, luckily, that wasn't anything a good drive in the bed of my truck couldn't fix.

Here.

2005-08-10T16:53:00.000-04:00

Friday I moved to Columbia, SC. I'm offically here. Wherever here is. Here, I suppose, is exactly where God wants me to be. I'm totally excited and intimidated at the same time. My trust is in the Lord, and His will for me as I settle into a new town, a new life, a new way of learning. I'm looking for a new church and a new job, so any suggestions are welcome.

Life is good. God is good. All this rain may be bad for my laundry, but it's good for frogs and ducks.

Hallelujah!

Whirlwind update and such.

2005-07-27T15:55:00.000-04:00

The weekend before last, I was in Columbia, SC, searching out a place to live. Everything fell through, in its own way, and I was left a little frazzled. But not forlorn. With only a few weeks left before my decided move date (the end of July/beginning of August), I was just beginning to worry about what exactly God had in store ... How foolish indeed it is to worry on His behalf - are not all things in His hands first and mine only if it's His will? Ha.

Sunday I found a listing for a room-mate needed on CIU's website. Monday I called. Tuesday Sara called back. Wednesday I fretted. Thursday morning I prayed all the way to work, asking God for His confirmation.

"God," I spoke plainly, "You've gotta tell me if this one is Your will. I've looked and hoped and failed because I haven't sought You out first with this whole housing situation. This time, I want this to all be Your will, not mine. I'm going to call this girl when I get to work, and if this is where You want me to live, please let her tell me she's a Christian without me asking her directly."

The anticipation was one thing, but the freedom in trusting God was totally awesome. I got to work and got settled enough to use the phone. Sara and I talked for some time, and eventually got on the subject of her schooling and work. She'd graduated from USC, was a year older than I, and currently working for a coffee shop. I told her I'd lived with and been around plenty of coffee shop people while in college, and I mentioned that the shop and people I was used to were Christians. Sara proceeded to reply that she and her manager were also Christians, and that while the shop itself wasn't specifically so, the majority of patrons were Christians as well.

I was breathless and sold by the end of her sente[a?]nce.

I move next week, with prayer and thanksgiving along the way.

This past weekend, I was in Lynchburg, VA visiting Liberty University where Justin will be excitedly attending come August. While the trip reminded me of the blazing swiftness to which summer and our relative closeness [in terms of vicinity] will be coming to an end, I was also encouraged to see what a great school LU appears to be. I think the boyfriend was also much encouraged and less intimidated. This is joyous, indeed.

I look forward to our mutual educations as God's obvious plan. I am just as anxious about what it means to be a student again. I am confident that this time, for both of us as individuals in relationships with Christ, will be used richly and fervently by God to shape us into the children He called us to be. Whatever His will is on our relationship as human beings is one thing ... but what His will is on our relationship with Himself is first. Schooling will bring a time of discernment along with study and growth. I am, with joy and prayer, anticipating this next adventure.

Other than that, I have been reading. And while this has nothing to do with any updates on the past two weeks, it has everything to do with how terribly and wonderfully awesome God is - and has been especially recently:

"There is a general assumption prevalent in the world that it is extremely difficult to be a Christian ... But this is as far from the truth as the east is from the west. The easiest thing in the world is to be a Christian. What is hard is to be a sinner. Being a Christian is what we were created for. The life of faith has the support of an entire creation and the resources of a magnificent redemption. The structure of this world was created by God so we can live in it easily and happily as his children. The history we walk in has been repeatedly entered by God, most notably in Jesus Christ, first to show us and then to help us live full of faith and exuberant with purpose. In the course of Christian discipleship we discover that without Christ we were doing it the hard way and that with Christ we are doing it the easy way. It is not Christians who have it hard, but non-Christians." {Eugene Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction; ref. Psalm 128}

In today's Daily Bread reading, Jesus confirms this idea:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light." {Matthew 11:28-30}

After these two weeks, after this blossoming spring, after two years in Japan spent digging rocks from the soil of my soul, how could I ever even get up in the morning without my Lord? It would be too easy to say all the magnificent things in my life have been coincidence, mere chance. It would be too easy to say that the God I pray to is some man-made, man-confined god that is looked to only when needed by the general population. Both would be horribly wrong. My God is the God of Israel, of Jacob, of Moses, and of Abraham. He alone by His very Word spoke everything we take for granted (and everything we don't) into existence. He has walked all these paths before me, and they are good.

Easy does not mean trouble-free. Easy is a choice. Where we put our trust, our faith, and our souls is a choice, too. The choice is hard, for sure. But, it is ours to make and it makes all the difference in the universe ...

Whee!

90 days = 2,160 hours (metaphor included)

2005-07-14T12:07:00.000-04:00

The crisp and verdant newness that was spring has faded without regret into the slow warmth and familiarity of summer. What once was jackets and long pants has become bare feet and pulled-back hair. What once was stars and breath in the dark has become fog and early dew.

The purposely planted flowers of spring have faded; wild ones fill their stead along roadsides and fallow fields. Rain falls; light and fragrant, heavy like so much Grace. Seeds planted in the cool earth soak up the water, budding and sprouting, blooming and growing. What first-fruits will they bear? For what purpose is their not-so-lazy striving? Will it be good fruit?

Steam and fog blur the distinction between heaven and earth. The dark green hills of this mid-Ohio valley are softened and made weightless in the clouds - with a word, or perhaps the proper glance, they can indeed be ordered crashing into the sea. If only I could open my mouth to speak and move them. Really move them.

hello, Lord/ it's me Your child/ i have/ a few things on my mind/ right now, i'm faced with big decisions/ and i'm wondering if You have a minute/ right now, i don't hear so well/ and i was wondering if You could speak up/ i know that You tore the veil so i could sit with You in person and hear what You're saying/ but, right now, i just can't hear You/ i don't doubt Your sovereignty/ i doubt my own ability/ to hear what You're saying/ and to do the right thing/ i desperately want to do the right thing/ but right now, i don't hear so well/ and i was wondering if You could speak up/ i know that You tore the veil so i could sit with You in person and hear what You're saying/ but, right now, i just can't hear You/ and somewhere in the back of my mind/ i'm thinking/ You're telling me to wait/ and though patience has never been mine/ Lord, i will wait to hear from You/ oh, Lord/ i'm waiting on You/ oh, Lord/ right now, i don't hear so well/ and i was wondering if You could speak up/ i know that You tore the veil so i could sit with You in person and hear what You're saying/ but, right now, i think You're whispering ... {hello, Lord; sara groves}

Is my faith even the size of a mustard seed? Can I believe in what I'm praying for? Is my trust where it should be? Can I wait to hear what my Lord has to say?

Who's out there?!

2005-07-12T11:51:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post, then it's back to work. I was just looking at my profile to see if I felt like changing it (I do), and I happened to notice that it's been viewed over 260 times. Woah. Like, when did that happen?! Last time I looked I had only been viewed close to 70 ... so ... um ... what's up with that? Weird. But cool.

Anyway, if there's all these people looking at my site, then there's probably 5 of you out there who would love to help me get a free ipod for my musically-inclined man. All you have to do is sign up for a free trial of something or other on the site and if 5 people do so ... voila! a free 20-gig ipod arrives in the mail. Belated birthday presents are still presents, you see. So. Hmm. Anyway, click here to get the process started. [There is one warning: you will get junk mail. So, don't sign up on your main e-mail if you hate spam. But still sign up ... please.]

And, if you're a skeptic ... don't be. My dear Kendra managed to get a free ipod for her (similarly) musically inclined husband. So. It works. Nyah.

Please and thank you.

Sometimes.

2005-06-25T16:21:00.000-04:00

I stand next to my uncle Tiny watching his big, worn hands brush paint onto the walkway walls of my grandparents' house. The smell of paint and sweat hangs heavy in the dry, hot summer air. Route 7 shimmers in an poorly imitative mirage of the Ohio river just a flood plain away. The sky is thin and taut, unable to contain the sun that pours over the two of us without respite.

His smile is so captivating - cheerful and slow. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches mine and says with his steady, quiet voice, "Ya know, sometimes it's okay if your will and God's are the same. It happens ..." With a chuckle, he turns away and begins sweeping pale blue-gray paint over faded concrete again with an old roller,

"Sometimes, you can want the same thing He does."

Insects buzz lazily. Grass rustles and sighs in its thirst against the breeze. Cars rush past. Back and forth, back and forth, with the rolling of paint. I fetch a glass of Kool-aid. Water the plants. Walk the dogs. Drive to the library.

After lunch, uncle Tiny paints a second coat. Our afternoon is otherwise wordless until I bid him farewell and watch is old Dodge rumble over the gravel and down the drive way.

I stare at the mountains and the flood plain, verdant in its dry greenery. It's even too hot for the birds.

I've wasted some time fretting and worrying about having nowhere yet to live in Columbia. I've fumbled myself into inaction for a few days too many. I've prayed half-heartedly for my family, unable to put my faith where my mouth is. I've avoided their presence in fear of being a poor example of Who I so long for them to know. I've nearly turned blessings into burdens; so great is my dysfunction when I don't walk hand in Hand.

Surely, the Lord is gracious and loving. His patience knows no limits - that He can still smile upon me! He smiles like my uncle, cheerful and slow.

Looks like strobe light. Sounds like whoop tone.

2005-06-23T12:38:00.000-04:00

I am terribly self-centered. Unconsciously so, sometimes, I suppose ... but more often conscious than I'd probably ever care to admit. This flaw in my character is perhaps my closest identification with Paul's "thorn in side" subject in his epistles - the more I see my weaknesses, the more I long to hand them all over to Christ. I am thoughtless, forgetful, and prone to a short attention span ... not because I do not desire to act the opposite, but because I am often more concerned with myself and my various outward appearances (more emotional and social than physical, mind you) to pay the proper respect and attention to those around me who deserve it.

Inside, I long to love and be loved. Outside, I am often distant and selfish - even with my God. These two things are vastly different landscapes ... and this whirlwind of a week[end especially] has left me face to face with who I am and who I'd rather be in the Lord. I was given a chance to see with peculiar lucidity the distance that now separates the old me from the new me while reliving old times with the old North Hall window sill crew from UF at Amelia and Eric's wedding. It's taken me until today to process it all.

Sometimes I am simply afraid to feel. Other times, I am afraid to give. Still other times, I am even afraid to receive. Not simply from or to people, but also within the bounds of my relationship with God. While I can see with a clearer focus (and a lot of thanksgiving) how far the Lord has brought me from my past - despite myself - after this weekend, I also know that seeing and acting are two different things. We are called to act in faith, not simply wait around with our belief. So, while I know that my God finishes all the good works He starts, it is my place not only to expect the changes I pray for, but to get up with my mat and act upon them when they come.

"Do not let your adornment be merely outward - arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel - rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves ..." (1 Peter 3:3-5a)

Seeing the old school kids at the wedding this weekend reminded me not only of where I came from, but also was a poignant reminder of where I'd like to be going. As a bridesmaid - on the "business end" of the wedding audience - I was given a whole new perspective on the relationships I have found myself in ... both in heaven and here on earth.

I can't say I know where all of this is going - it's taken me until now to get this far in the thinking/feeling process I'm on. I have been so frustrated - spiritually, emotionally, mentally - lately. Even this first half of the week hasn't been much help in that department (one broke printer de moi and two botched embroidery orders in three days does not a happy work environment make). Despite this (no, perhaps because of these recent challenges), my vision is clearing.

I can say without fear that I know now what I have been, and what I am now, praying for.

I can even say without fear that I have indeed heard that still, quiet voice of the Lord in my heart. I have doubted much - even recently - but He has inclined my ear with this whisper today of all days: "Look back and see how much I have done already in your heart. Really see those heavy rocks My hands have bourn away into the sea. You say that I have not been speaking, that I have not been answering the questions you've been asking Me. Are not these works in your heart that I have done Words enough? I have been speaking all along. Are you listening?"

Not only has He blazed this trail before me, but He walks it with me now. The narrow paved road I've been walking has faded away into a barely-there footpath, but my Guide hasn't changed. He never will. It has been easier for me to say I cannot hear Him out of fear and selfishness than to sumbit.

I'm listening.

"My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in action and in truth." (1 John 3:18)

Song of Solomon 4:12

2005-06-09T12:05:00.000-04:00

And the roses were very much embarrassed.
"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you-- the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."

And he went back to meet the fox.
"Goodbye," he said.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."
"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember. (The Little Prince; Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

Sometimes I fear I have been lost in the transition. Am I making the right choices? Is my Lord's will my priority here? I believe so, but only because I know that His strength is made perfect in my terrible weaknesses. Here they all are - every one of them - laid before His feet. So much of what I have struggled with in the past is being dealt with, directly, right now ... mountains crashing into the sea.

"There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the Lord's counsel - that will stand." (Proverbs 19:21)

"The preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits ... A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:1-2, 9)

I am tired of seeking. It's time I start listening. With His gentle hands, the Lord has dismantled the walls I never knew I built ... mudbrick upon mudbrick the ways which I have so blindly shut myself in and God out. May only Jesus hedge me in, like the garden I am called to be. May I not return to making bricks again.

Kitsune no kimochi wo wakaru yo.

2005-05-24T12:13:00.000-04:00

Some days, I'm the fox. Some days, I'm the little prince. Other days, I'm just another one of the throngs of men, buying into things already made. All days, I struggle with dependance and independance, submission and freedom. All days, I struggle with my dysfunctional heritage of nature, nurture, and sin. All days, I struggle with what it means to be someone entirely different and new in Christ.

"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."
"I am a fox." the fox said.
"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."
"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."
..."What does that mean - 'tame'?"
..."It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world ..."
"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince, "There is a flower ... I think that she has tamed me ..."
..."But, if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps will send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat ..."
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please - tame me!" he said.
"I want to, very much," the little prince replied, "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things already made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends anymore. If you want a friend, tame me ..."
"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me - like that - in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day ..."
(The Little Prince; Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

Today, I am the fox. Today, I only long to be tamed.

I have grown feral; wild like an unsewn field or a stray animal. I have forgotten what it feels, what it means, to touch, to be touched.

Like the fox, I am afraid.

Sit here, in the grass, and say nothing. Let me simply look at you. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But will you sit a little closer to me, every day?

Watering the camels.

2005-05-18T15:45:00.000-04:00

Purity is a deep well of fresh water. Quiet patience - better than the scent of rain from far off. Submission is the stringed instrument to the song I've always hummed but never opened my mouth to sing. Gentle integrity blooms like a wildflower in the desert - untamed and beautiful. This kind of accountability is the whetstone to my rusty blade.

inside my skin / there is this space / it twists & turns / it bleeds & aches / inside my hard heart / there's an empty room / it's waiting for lightning / it's waiting for you / for / i am wanting / i am needing / you here / inside the absence of fear / muscle & sinew / velvet & stone / this vessel is haunted / it creaks and moans / my bones call to you / from their separate skin / i make myself transluscent / to let you in / for / i am wanting / i am needing / you here / inside the absence of fear / there is this hunger / this restlessness inside of me / and it knows you're no stranger / you're my Gravity / my hands will adore you / through all darkness / and / they will lay you out in the moonlight / and reinvent your name / for / i am wanting / i am needing / you / i need you / here / inside the absence of fear {Absence of Fear; Jewel}

Make me a well. Fill me with rain water. Open my mouth that I may join in the chorus of stones. Bring forth the flowers from underneath all this sand. Sharpen me and remind me how it feels to shine.

Cute boys and cars.

2005-05-13T11:56:00.000-04:00

The cutest Japanese boy ever is Aiki Aoyagi. Don't let the coy look fool you, either ... he's always up to something.

I miss Japan. ::sigh::

I have this strange habit of taking pictures of people while they're driving ... or otherwise riding in cars. I've got a ton of photos from a spring break trip to Atlanta of Amy and Kendra in the car. I've got a good handful of my brother. And a random bunch from Japan. But ... I don't know why I do it.

The BFA in me wants to say it's because I like the idea of the journey ... that getting there is half the fun. So, it's like a freeze-frame of the moment. The expressions while getting there are never the same upon arriving. When you know the destination, then there's no sense in rushing - enjoy the way there. I have come to realize, recently, that taking one's time is much more fun. I don't always have to be in first place. Like a lazy Sunday car ride, some things are given by God to be enjoyed as they are. No expecations, no requirements, no pressures ... just a little sunshine and smiles.

Either that, or I just like being sneaky with my camera. Heehee.

Of fear and flounder[ing].

2005-05-09T11:59:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I still feel so half my age. Sometimes, in that fresh-cut film view of hindsight, I am terribly reminded of how much afraid and childish I can be. Burdens, when kept from the cross, fester like open wounds. Only in the hands of the Healer can such things be repaired.

I can remember the day my father left. I came home from school to a half-packed house; my dad's van was in the driveway, doors open, and he was carrying clothes and boxes in the hot Florida sun, balding head glistening with sweat. He looked so angry, and I was instantly terrified. I stood in the road, hovering and helpless. This time he was leaving for good. Before my mom came home from work, he pressed his wedding band into my trembling hands. He told me he loved me and that none of this was my fault. He promised to stay in touch. I sat on the front porch and watched the brown beast of a van lug away. And cried.

I was thirteen.

Four years later, without hardly a phone call or a letter, he died of congentital heart failure.

Sometimes, I still feel so 13. So 17. So 20. So much of those feelings and fears are things that should have been left at the cross long ago. So much of the things that hold back my words - that indeed even bind my heart in hesitation and ambiguity - are the very things that I should be handing over to Jesus. Until now, I suppose, I really thought I had. It is my heart's desire to hold fast to the promises of my Lord. I know that my Father in heaven is nothing at all like my father on earth. I know that the human love I have experienced pales in comparison to the jealous yet merciful love of my God. I know these things ... I know them. I know also that I am not that 13-, 17-, or 20-year old any more. I am a new person through Christ. My heart of stone has been reformed. My stormy seas have been calmed.

I bite my lip and believe these things with all I've got. Those old fears and past burdens are the sacrifices of a broken and contrite heart. I have spent so much of my life afraid of being left, and, until recently, have continued in such hard-hearted ignorance of my Portion. I have never been abandoned. And I never will.

This fear that holds my tongue and binds my heart is from the same withered vine. I am not afraid of discovering there is something wrong ... I am, perhaps, more afraid of realizing everything is just right. It's easier to trust, easier to pray, easier to seek the face of God when things are going wrong. It is now, when God's grace and mercy bloom and shine so abundantly before me that I grow fearsome and wish to hide in the depths of the sea.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear ..." (1 John 4:18)

Then again, this seems to be where the fish are ...

I am so tired of being Much Afraid. I can feel the peace of the Lord tugging at my innermost parts, and it is ridiculous how much I resist. His strength is sufficient in my weakness. And I am very weak indeed.

Hooray!

Words.

2005-05-06T12:28:00.000-04:00

The sun is shining brightly in a faded, sparsely-clouded sky. Haze stretches the horizon taught and blue, and everywhere is springing with green. Growth and fecundity, the renewing of life from one season to the next, abounds in organic metaphors ...

One month away from half the year gone by, and I can say that nothing in my life is going as planned. But, contrary to the context of that cliche, I am most certainly not complaining. In fact, I am so amazingly far from whining about anything that I could almost blend in with the foliage blooming outside - turning over so many new leaves in the spring breeze ... [Ack. There's an organic metaphor for ya.]

Am I being ambiguous? Yes.

Not entirely on purpose, however. I have been, despite myself all together, richly and wonderfully blessed. Truly, the Lord chooses to have mercy on whom He chooses, when He chooses. Surely, I am the least worthy of such gifts ... but I am thankful for them all. Even my broken truck, still bleeding and moody, is a strange but entertaining blessing. Indeed. I am, like my truck, broken and often moody. In His due time I can see my Lord is fixing us both. Stone by stone, mudbrick by mudbrick, the walls I have built in the secret places of my life are being torn down. All those leaky seals and mis-managed insides I have pretended for so long don't matter are under the scrutinous care of my heavenly Mechanic ...

All of this unplowed ground, full of rocks and weeds, fallow for so long to be practically feral and wild, has been broken up ... and seeded. What fruits may come? Ah. Well. It's only time for planting in my heart. When the harvest comes, I will surely let you know the fruits of His labor.

For the first time in a long time, I can feel the changing of the seasons.

I am notoriously indecisive and prone to immobility in times of critical poignancy ... I wither into silence and inaction instead of stepping forward in trust and faith. I'm digging out those rocks from the path of the plow, one by one. I want a voice; I want a mind; I want a heart again. These are the rich mercies of my Lord, and like so much spring rain ... I am refreshed to discover such things still exist in my person, though they are a little rusty from lack of attention and use.

Praise the Lord that He showers such mercy on me! Praise the Lord for His gentle gifts! These pebbles I've turned into mountains are but grains of sand in His hands. And the seeds that He is planting surely hide within such amazing blooms. May I be patient and attentive. May I not labor in vain nor lift my hand from the plow. This spring is different, and I am nothing but thankful.

Long haulin'.

2005-04-25T07:50:00.000-04:00

"Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, and He will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon." Isaiah 55:6-7

"The preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord." Proverbs 16:1

"Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established." Proverbs 16:3

"Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed." Proverbs 27:5

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

"I will bless the Lord, who has given me counsel; my heart also instructs me in the night seasons. I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in hope..." Psalm 16:7-9

Life is full of surprising adventures. Not all paths lead to Jesus, and often the paths we find ourselves walking on with Him are not the paths we would have ever thought we'd be taking. Jesus knows my heart - better than I pretend to, certainly - and I can say I trust Him more than I ever have. Even in this.

Painting Pictures of Egypt

2005-04-18T07:30:00.000-04:00

I've posted this song before - about two and a half years ago. Then, and now, I stood, and stand, at a particularly poignant crossroads of my spiritual life. Then, and now, this song both convicts and inspires me in ways that only a song can express. Sara Groves is amazing; some of her songs are just such black and white photographs of my own thoughts. This particular song is just so now for me. Again.

I don't want to leave here, I don't want to stay, it feels like pinching to me either way. The places I long for the most are the places where I've been. They are calling after me like a long lost friend. It's not about losing faith, it's not about trust, it's all about comfortable when you move so much. The place I was wasn't perfect but I had found a way to live. It wasn't milk or honey but then neither is this. I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked. The future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used o fit me cannot hold the things I've learned, and those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned. The past is so tangible, I know it by heart, familiar things are never easy to discard. I was longing for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go, I am caught between the promise and the things I know. I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked. The future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned, and those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned. If it comes to quick, I may not recognize it. Is that the reason behind all this time and sand? If it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it. Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Sara notes that this song is inspired by Exodus 16:3, which I include here, along with verses 1-2:

The whole Israelite community set out from Elim and came to the Desert of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had come out of Egypt. In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the Lord's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death!"

How often we are in the midst of our own deserts of sin, looking back upon the shimmering horizon behind us, mistaking mirages for the bliss of past comforts ... when the Lord is moving us forward, calling us towards those terrifyingly wonderful sand dunes of His love and provision. It's too easy to carry the past with us, lugging it around like so much luggage on a camel. But, to pass through the eye of the needle - the narrow gate - one must strip the camel of all his burdens ... or, moreover, leave the camel behind ... and walk without it all in faith alone.

So much of this earthly world - this huge round desert of sin - is about comfort. Sin isn't always about what we do ... it's oftentimes also about what we don't. [To quote FBCW's pastor, what we don't can be considered the sin of omission: When we know what God has called us to do but we simply don't do it.] The Israelites were left by God to wander the desert for 40 years not just because they sinned in active idolatry, but also, perhaps the root of the glaring obvious sins of golden calfs and betrayal was more that they didn't even trust God enough to step out into the sands with an attitude of faith to begin with. Just as Jesus proclaimed to Thomas, so Moses could probably have proclaimed to the Israelites: "You have seen the works of the Lord!" No, like myself, it was too easy to cling onto the memories of meat in the pots of my past than to bring myself to rejoice in the freedom I've been given through grace. It's easier to limp in memory of the old scars than to run the race of my new body. Like the Israelites, it is too often I end up standing still in the desert because of what I don't do, waiting for sustinance to fall from the sky.

I praise my Lord for His mercies! He rained manna from heaven on the wayward Israelites to sustain them in their desert, and, finally, he brought their children into the promised land to fulfill His precious promise of freedom. In the same way He sustains me in my spiritual deserts, and patiently leads me over the dunes towards the finish line of this amazing race.

13-going-on-26

2005-03-31T21:46:00.001-05:00

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the good and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Daughters, by John Mayer

ni jyu roku

2005-03-31T07:17:00.000-05:00

It's my birthday, and I don't have to go outside wearing a coat. The sun's out, with only a few clouds, and it may stay sunny all day. It hasn't been short-sleeve weather in months. Car windows down with a dog's face out one side, panting. There are very few ways I'd rather spend a birthday ... even if I have to work and even if I have no plans for later. Going home and going to bed early is just as much a great idea to me ...

Philipians 4:4

2005-03-30T16:26:00.000-05:00

"Now rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication!" (2 Corinthians 7:9-11)

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restor to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners shall be converted to you." (Psalm 51:10-13)

"My brethreen, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowning that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:2)

"Rejoice in the Lord always! Again, I will say rejoice!" (Philipians 4:4)

Too often it is easier (hopefully not just for me) to rely on my own context for life experiences, instead of turning to the truest Source for the way things really are. Period. (No foot-in-mouth is intentional.)

Putting on a pretty face...

2005-03-29T12:38:00.000-05:00

...and hiding it behind some books. I've needed to read lately. I've been craving some words on pages like coming back from Israel made me want a big slice of pizza. My quest to the library list includes:

C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel; Abba's Child

Michael Yaconelli, Messy Spirituality; Stories of Emergence: Moving from Absolute to Authentic

Brian D. McLaren, A Generous Orthodoxy; A New Kind of Christian

I suppose what I really crave is a change in perspective. I've been too busy staring at myself in the mirror lately, instead of living outside of myself as I've been called. Too much is going on in God's beautiful plan for me to continue to be the snail in her shell.

The proof is in the pudding.

2005-03-28T12:37:00.000-05:00

As I was writing those words below, my cell phone bumbled and hummed in its clumsy way from my pocket. It was CIU calling ... calling to let me know that my application has been processed and ...

I'm in!

This is the school on the top of my list, so to hear from them first was a big, grateful, happy surprise. South Carolina is roughly the mid-point between Florida and Ohio, putting me in reach of all of my [American] family in Christ. Plus, it is the only school I applied to that offers TEFL instead of TESL.

Praise the Lord, who makes all things new in His time!

For what it's worth, I was there.

2005-03-28T00:31:00.000-05:00

Last week, I stood in the empty tomb. I ran my fingers over the stone and squinted through the bars separating the small oserary chamber and the tomb itself. Sun trickled through the window - an obvious later addition - and spread itself cheerfully across the pinkish rock. Jesus wasn't there.

It was, not to sound in any way more spiritually retarded than I already am, a very moving an awesome experience. I knew, of course, before I even arrived in Israel that Jesus's body wouldn't be found anywhere around there. Not anymore. This is, of course, a very good thing.

Standing in the courtyard of the church built in the Garden of Gethsemane, I could look out across the Kedron Valley and up to the double arches of the Mercy Gate, which has since been stone-walled shut. A Muslim graveyard sits before the gate, a strange attempt at spiritual warfare - an almost tongue-in-cheek plan to keep the Holy One from returning through the gate, lest He dirty himself by walking by the corpses. It was looking at those archways that I realized neither the stone nor the dead could ever be a barrier to Christ upon His return.

In the same way, none of the nonsense I hold onto in my own feeble ways can ever be an effective barrier to the love of that same Christ. Sure, I may try ... but my stones are barely mudbrick in comparison to the mighty jealosy of my Lord. (And I say jealosy with a positive context, mind you.)

It wasn't until yesterday's Easter service (in which my grandparents' pastor preached the "Four Reasons the Resurrection Never Happened") that all the spiritual momentum of Israel finally caught up with me:

Boom! Poof! Duh ...

I was there, most definitely, but, more importantly, He is here. He is, indeed, in my heart and in my life. He has, and continues to without ceasing, provided for all my needs in all the various situations I have been led into. For, while I may stumble along the way (just as Israel is a bit of grass and sand and so much rock, so is this narrow path I tread), there is no such thing as chance, coincidence, or accident. There is willful omission, disobedience, and sin ... but all of this, in some way beyond my understanding, is already known and accounted for by my Lord and Savior. It is only when I take a hold of that, only when I really grasp the depth of grace that has been granted to me, that life comes into any perspective at all.

Priorities can only be changed when one is willing to look at things in a different way. In my case, no longer simply near the cross or at the tomb, but through those things, like new glasses. My life is not simply because of it all, but for it all. It is easier to be content with what I've been given, but it is my purpose not to hoard it for myself like so much treasure.

As the t-shirt I should've bought in the Novotel gift shop read: "Love is like two fish and five loaves of bread: you never have enough until you start giving it away."

The Dead Sea and the Sea of Galilee are fed by the same source (the Jordan, and its self-named tributaries). One is lifeless, a burning and blasted after-image of some blue respite. The other is teeming with life, surrounded by verdant and emerald landscapes. The difference? Only the Sea of Galilee has an outlet - it gives out all that it takes in. The Dead Sea only takes (unless you want to count that mud).

This is perhaps where I stand. Without outlets for the love and grace I have been given, I will only continue to wither and die. I will only continue to return to myself again and again ... despite the painful knowledge that none of what I've been given to enjoy in life is at all about me.

Unrequited.

2005-03-21T21:04:00.000-05:00

Winter is slowly thawing. The trees are considering bringing forth buds, the browned grass is slowly returning to green, and the night bugs are beginning to hum sleepily under the moon. Purple flowers have struggled their way up in our front yard. The deer have shed their antlers, male and female blending together into groups content to munch on last year's grass in the setting sun.

My winter ended somewhere in Israel. Somewhere between the sea of Galilee and the empty tomb, the withered tree of my heart brought forth buds.

Like the trees outside, however, I still must wait my season to bloom ...

There is so much that I could say I want in my life right now. There is so much that I have been reminded of over the past two weeks that I do not have. So much of my life hangs in stasis. There is terribly much I am waiting for. It hurts.

My experiences in Israel and after Israel have been the thawing of many mountain waters. Trickles become streams which join to become rivers which in turn come together at the raging sea of my thoughts, my prayers, my beliefs, and my desires. What was clear direction has become a little muddied in just a few days' time by my own personal weaknesses. In the same way that subtle scent of spring hangs in the air every time I walk the puppy, the shadows of my unsurrendered wants haunt this spiritual change taking place in my heart.

I want God's will in my life. I want all of this winter to turn to spring, all of these seeds to bloom into flowers.

It is this overwhelmingly heavy burden of my heart which I cannot bear to articulate here that holds the change of seasons in its awful stasis. I cannot seem to bring myself to put this, and only this, down ...

Why?

There and back again.

2005-03-20T15:13:00.000-05:00

Two weeks have breezed by, and I am left dizzy. Overwhelmed. Joyously stunned. 10 days in Israel flew by on dove's wings, terribly fast, despite each day being a jam-packed experience. I have walked in Jesus' footsteps in many ways - we began our tour in Galilee and ended at the empty tomb. It was spring in Israel, with just a hint of left-over chill; everything was green. The barren desert I expected to greet me was not there - only once we crossed over the mountains north of Jerusalem and entered the deserts of En Gedi did the landscape become progressively blasted, rocky, and empty. By the time we reached the Dead Sea and Massada, everything was salt-washed sand and stone. There is too much to talk about here.

Too much, indeed.

Over 300 photos on my digital camera just aching to be uploaded and turned into something exciting and digital. A whole photojournal is taking shape in my head ... but ... first ... I need to dig up some hosting space. It's going to take a while, so please be patient. So much happened in those 10 days - spiritually, visually. There is going to have to be some processing of all of this information and experience before it can all be presentable to "the public." Tee hee.

Israel was great. Frankfurt, Germany's reinwursts are tasty. And New York was a ton of fun (thanks pk).

I am back home again, weary in body but awake in spirit in a way I haven't felt in years. Refreshed. Renewed. Rededicated. I can only pray that it lasts ... Let this time be for real, Jesus ... don't let me keep wasting the time You have redeemed for me.

If goats could talk...

2005-03-14T15:03:00.000-05:00

Full of confidence and a sense of adventure, we opted to take directions from our guide and walk back to the hotel from the middle of Jerusalem. Well, maybe not the middle. Somewhere in Jerusalem. Since I don't live in Jerusalem, it wasn't like I knew where I was to begin with. Christian quarter. Shops and people trying to drag you in ... whee.

Anyway, the streets here are really narrow and crammed with all sorts of random tourist stuff. Bags. Hats. Candy. Stuff. Just lots and lots of stuff. Especially exciting was the freshly skinned goats hanging outside of meat shops. Yum.

Speaking of meat shops, while pretending to know which way we were going in the crowd, a fight broke out outside of one of the above mentioned producers of raw food materials. Some butcher (I assume) and some army guy were really about to go toe to toe. When the natives look scared, it's a good sign for the tourists to get nervous. At first opportunity, we followed the Muslim girls out of the way of danger and off down the streets. But only after a couple of police men had to show up.

Ah. Israel. It's been exciting. Not because of fights, of course. Moreso because I've gotten to walk where Jesus walked - and I don't just mean the temple stairs ... riding over the Sea of Galilee and hanging around the Mount of Olives. It's been ... well ... spiritually enlightening to be understating.

Yes, I've taken lots of pictures (200+), but my camera is naughty and eats the batteries while I sleep ... b'ah. Anyway, I'll be sure to post the meat and potatoes (or should I say pita and falafel?) of this whole trip once I return to the states.

Shalom!

On death and travel ...

2005-03-07T10:46:00.000-05:00

Last Tuesday, I went to my first open-casket funeral. (Note: This is not intended to be in any way disrespectful or morbid, so please keep that in mind!) I think I cried more at my "udder fadder's" funeral than I did at my own dad's, and for a fleeting moment, I wondered if my mom noticed. But. Really, that's besides my point here. Paul Wayne Wilson was often more of a father figure to me than my own dad, or even my step-dad, ever was in the 20-odd years the Wilsons have been my second family, my home away from home.

It was with more than a little trepidation that I knelt beside that open coffin and stared for the first time at a corpse. My grandfather, father, and grandmother had all died out of my sight, and were, to my knowledge, swiftly cremated. Urns of bone and ash are less disturbing than a body. Devoid of the breath of life, human beings just look so shockingly heavy. How can we carry ourselves about with such grace and form? These clay vessels are quite a load to bear ... at least, that's the first thing that impressed itself upon me as I studied the forever-still features of a dear friend.

Then, with rebellious joy, God truly touched my heart. His gift - that breath of life in our nostrils, that Spirit within - is quite a gift indeed! How glorious it is to be called a child of God. How glorious to know that when we leave these clay bodies behind, we truly experience freedom. Surely, the soul is only slightly confused, maybe for a millisecond or two, at the shedding of it's flesh like the sloughing of so many wet layers of clothes. The freedom that's in Christ here on earth is only a pale shadow in twighlight of the freedom that awaits us at death.

Perhaps, then, I cried more with joy. When my father died, I did not yet know Christ. I do now, and I have been blessed with a comfort I didn't know at 17.

I apologize for rambling. All the thoughts and feelings of last Tuesday have been muddled and trampled on by the business of this week ... this week spent preparing for my 10-day trip to Israel. I can't express in proper words anymore the moving experience last Tuesday was for me, personally and spiritually.

Last Tuesday I was given a glimpse of the excitement of the future.

This Tuesday I am awaiting a glimpse of the excitement of the past: in Israel. The place where, in a way, so much stuff really, really "began."

So, with half-finished thoughts, I sign off for two weeks.

Being done feels good.

2005-02-23T07:27:00.000-05:00

Two online applications down, and one paper application on it's way out today after a quick photo. I'm still waiting on the DTS letters of recommendation to come back from everyone, however. Hopefully, my professors, pastors, peers, and friends have all mailed out the other letters to CIU and RTS ... We'll find out.

I must say that CIU is my first choice. It's been the little things in keeping in touch - all of their letters, etc. to me are hand-signed. Wherever God's will is, I'll go there, of course. It's exciting. Where will I end up? I'm not very good at waiting, but I'm sure that trip to Israel in two weeks will be a great distraction. Prayer and petition, thanksgiving and trust ... these are the best ways to await God's word on my futer educational direction.

I'm naughty, sometimes.

2005-02-18T17:07:00.000-05:00

While browsing the Apple Store for a new battery, I came across the iPod shuffle. Considering the long flight (and long layover in Frankfurt, Germany), in addition to my strange luck with batteries never lasting as long as advertised, I threw the 1 gig version onto my order. Yes, it's kind of hefty. I don't think I need something with 10 gigs of memory for music. With only 1 gig, I'll be forced to rotate music around. More shuffling, less boredom.

Perhaps not my most responsible purchase, but one I will certainly appreciate during times of extended travel. Having experienced the excitement of 13-14 hour flights overseas with repetative "radio" stations, I'm doing myself a future favor.

Whee.

Well, it's off to dog-sit (with my puppy, included) at my grandparents' house this weekend. A whole weekend to myself. Me and my laptop and my seminary essay revisions. Don't call. Don't write.

I'm on a three-day hiatus. Starting now.

Sometimes cool things fall out of the sky.

2005-02-18T07:48:00.000-05:00

Tonight as I stumbled home, I discovered a sketchbook, old and tattered, thrown thoughtlessly onto my bed. I still can't place when or where I had the sketchbook, but most of the drawings contained are from late high school to early college. There's one drawing on loose leaf paper I remember drawing furiously in French class instead of working in our workbooks during study time... The date? 1994! {Samantha, if you're reading this, it's a very scarred and angry Sunbrow, shaking his fist. Very old, good stuff.}

But. That wasn't the find. The sketchbook is almost entirely empty, save for some great portraits of long-forgotten characters. The find is the WARP Video Smorgasbord Selections handout from my first year of art school. Here is the complete list, along with the text provided by the great W.A.R.P. teaching duo themselves. (I wonder whatever happened to John and Monica anyway?) What a long list! I don't think I ever watched even half of these films while in art school, but with winter settling in for the long haul ... weekends curled up in bed with the puppy and a random movie are looking better and better ... especially since I'll be spending this weekend dog-sitting at my grandparents' house while they're in Columbus. Can we say Blockbuster? Whee.

The other, just-as-exciting-find in this sketchbook was the WARP Masters' Drawing requirement list. It's a list of "Master Artists" that we were supposed to study and draw, interpret, paint, and otherwise re-format into our WARP sketchbook. Library card. Sketchbook. Warm wood-burning stove. Pencils and paints and hours of fun? Yes. Indeed.

Lastly, blurry shots of the puppy who won't sit still ...

One of these days, I'll get some good photos of Yusuke while he's asleep. It seems nearly impossible to get a clear shot of the pup while he's awake!

Patience is a virtue ... is it not?

The problem with puppies ...

2005-02-10T13:42:00.000-05:00

...is that they don't sit still. Yes, I've taken a few photos. Yusuke wants to eat the camera, or at least put his wet nose all over the lense. You know, just to make sure it smells okay.

So, I've been pinged by the Blog Nazi. I haven't written anything in weeks. Work has been busy. Seminary application processes have kept me flitting around in my spare time. Outdoor weather has been moody at best. Welcome to the mid-Ohio valley.

Life is. I suppose that's the most I can say right now. It's strange how all it takes is a little gust of wind in the wrong direction to send the whole boat drifting off the map for a while. I am, still, sometimes too easily distracted. Chronic procrastination is not on the application for servanthood. At least, not last time I checked. Er. I've never checked. But, the burdens of my heart speak louder than any legal document.

"Hurry up!" I hear in my head, "Hurry up before you're consumed." Consumed by the wrong things, that is. The consuption I'm hoping for isn't contageous, but it certainly can wear off on you if you hang around my parents too much. It's like a slow drip of water. Pretty soon, you'll do anything you can to crawl away into silence.

Honor your mother and father.

Hmm ...

Cold, wet ... nose?

2005-01-19T11:46:00.000-05:00

One: it's snowing. Two: I have a puppy.

Sometime last night it started snowing, and there are no signs of it stopping soon. There's at least 3-4 inches on the ground and building. Staring out my one window across the hilly, forested landscape that makes up my back yard was an exhilirating morning experience. Everything looks better with snow.

Everything, perhaps, except my car. And the road. Especially the long steep hill on the way to the highway. Whoot. I may drive a manual transmission, but I do not have 4-wheel drive. New snow tires probably saved my butt this morning as my back end slid one way and my front the other, ever-so-slightly, on the way up that hill. Nothing dangerous, mind you, but enough to get my heart racing and my palms sweaty. It doesn't take much for an ex-Floridian to get nervous in the snow. Not much at all.

So. We will see if I can make it home safely. Pray.

Yes. You're reading this thinking ... there was a puppy mentioned. Indeed. There is a new addition to my basement life. There is new responsibility added to the current business of my seminary application process. Yay for puppies! He was on sale. Like 1/3 the pet store price on sale because he had been in the store for a month. He is Yusuke. (Read: You-sss-kay.) He is a black and tan shiba dog. He was born in October and has all his shots. He's perfect. He heads to the vet on Friday to confirm my lovingly bestowed opinion. He slept in his kennel without a wimper. He ate breakfast. He went outside and played marvelously in the snow. He even pottied outside.

This is a good start. We'll see if it'll last.

There will be pictures ...

Holidaze.

2005-01-04T13:15:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Woah. Where'd it all go?

Hi.

No, I'm not dead. I'm getting better.

::sigh::

Moved out [of my grandparents' house]. Moved in[to my parents' house]. Moved [emotionally, mentally, spiritually]. New place. New year. Same parents; same resolutions: a different me. Second chances abound, but I must take them. I wish my parents would do the same. New life, same selves. I pray for them often.

My plans? A return visit to Japan [as soon as possible]. A trip to Israel [in March]. Seminary [hopefully starting in the summer/fall]. A puppy [currently working on permission].

My resolutions? Jesus. Less procrastinating and more living the life I've been so gracefully given - not for myself, but for Who's given it to me.

I'm not big on resolutions. I've always considered it setting oneself up for failure, being the imperfect being that I am. Instead, I'm bigger on taking my foot out of my mouth and putting it in motion. I don't need to make promises I can't keep. I just need to get moving.

Momentum is the word of the year. 2005, here I come.

Stickin' to yer guns.

2004-12-22T18:11:00.000-05:00

Gritting teeth and standing firm doesn't necessarily save you from getting hurt. Sticking to your own guns doesn't necessarily mean you don't walk away from the fight bleeding. Winning sometimes feels too much like losing. Justice often times comes at unimagined cost.

Chin up.

There have been many times I've wondered where God is going with the situations He puts me in, but none more than this.

Snow and other madness.

2004-12-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

It's cold. Powdered sugar snow dusts the nooks and crannies of still-green grass; frosts the rolling foothills of West Virginia; and gathers like froth at the edges of the Ohio river. Winter is here. Winter quickens the pulse, awakens something inside with the clear brilliance of freezing night skies. Snow is like icing on the cake. I'm just a kid at heart, after all.

Speaking of kids, my folks and little brother have arrived. The moving truck lumbered into town last night, and furniture is being unloaded and arranged while I slave away at the embroidery machine. Maybe I can escape early. I need to pack.

There is a nervousness about actually living with my parents again (at 25 and born again), but ... despite all the recent emotional challenges, these past few days of crowding my grandparents' little house hasn't been difficult. Granted, I've spent more time with my brother - at his request - than with my mom and step-dad ... so, I could simply be grazing the tip of the iceburg hiding beneath the pleasantries. Or, maybe they've realized all of their assumptions were just that. (Yes, we all know what assuming does.)

So, though there is still a little bit of selfish trepidation, there is much more trust on my part. Not trust in them, but trust in God. I have been convicted about my relationship with my family for a good while now. This is His chance, not mine.

Hmm.

2004-12-08T22:33:00.000-05:00

Tonight is the last night my mom, step-dad, and little brother are spending in our old house in Altamonte Springs, Florida. Tomorrow, the movers come to take away all the furniture. They leave for Ohio this weekend.

It is strangely fitting for me not to be there. When we moved away from Indiana when I was nine, that house was the last place I wanted to be. I've never felt at home there. I felt more at home switching apartments every year in college than I ever felt in Orlando. I've always been restless, but that's perhaps because I've always been moving. It's when I sit still that I am most unhappy.

I feel like I'm sitting still now.

My family is moving up here, but our relationship is still rather broken. I'm a new person. I'm not mom's little girl. I've never been the uncontrollable stepchild Dave makes me out to be. I'm not the same, but my parents relate to me on the assumption that I'm still that broken girl from high school they left me as. Er. I left them.

Unless their point of view changes, unless they are willing to come at relating to one another tabula rasa ... it's going to be rough going. Rougher still.

I am closer to my spiritual family than my real family. I am not fearful of their move, nor of living together, but I am a little wary of who I can become around them. Falling into the familiar, finding the comfort of stasis, and shying away into the path of least resistance are old habits. Ones I hope to have been broken of overseas.

Only God knows. And only He can help me.

Bloglessness.

2004-12-02T13:39:00.000-05:00

Um. Yeah. Sorry. I haven't been here to type in a long time. Mostly because my ISP has an attitude problem - the fastest dial-up connection I've been able to get lately is less than 32k. For those of you who've forgotten all about what dail-up is, 32k or less means really, really, really slow! It takes way too long just to check my e-mail, so I've been avoiding the web lately.

Apologies.

Speaking of typing here ... did you know that blog is the most looked-up word of 2004? So says Webster's Dictionary folks, anyway. Are there people out there who really don't know what blog means anymore? Wow.

Let's see ... in other news: This past weekend I went to D.C. with Paul. We saw all the must-sees and then some, spent way too much time parking, hung out with Becky, and walked - a lot. It was fun. The weather held out for us. So did our feet. It was my first time to my nation's capitol, so it was really great to play tourist. I'll put some pictures up on my site as soon as I can - probably not until I move to my 'rents new house mid-December, however. Don't hold your breath, but I'm waiting for a faster connection speed before I go uploading images anywhere. Period.

Speaking of moving, my 'rents move up to Belpre, Ohio in less than two weeks. Bittersweet, to be sure. I have come to enjoy living with my grandparents - my Nana more than my Papa. Not to mention I haven't lived with my folks for almost 8 years now ... Since I don't have a social life up here, being 25 and living with my parents won't damage my reputation any. Ha! It's cheaper than an apartment, and I get a dog and a little brother thrown in for free. Bonus!

Once I get settled, it will finally be time to sit down and get organized about my life. Specifically direction. Seminary. Etc. Everything seems to be panning out for a great new year.

Well, that's my mini-update for now. Don't expect much for a while.

Long time, no post.

2004-11-17T17:38:00.000-05:00

The days grow shorter. The clouds grow heavier. The trees bare themselves to the cold. Grass dies. Deer roam the roads without fear, avoiding hunters. Fall is drawing to a close. Winter is coming. It's in the night sky, black and laden with stars. I can smell it.

Winter is hard for me. Less sun means more grumpiness. ::sigh::

Prayer works.

2004-11-09T23:32:00.000-05:00

Praise God.

My folks' house in O-town is as good as sold. They signed the contract today. The house doesn't close (and thus no paycheck arrives) until December, however. But. It is done. It is finished.

God has, indeed, been listening this entire time. I knew He was. Really ...

Now, I can sing and dance about it.

Whoo-hoo.

What does this mean? I don't know. I don't care. It means God is amazing. It means He works even long after we give up hope. It means His timing is perfect. It means He gets all the glory and we just get to stand around and grin ourselves silly about it. Oh yeah. It means He has a plan for my parents, for my brother, for me. He's working in their hearts. And He's worked double-hard in mine.

All this waiting. Since I've come to Ohio, I've felt like I've been in a desert. Endless beautiful landscapes have spread out before me. The Ohio river reflecting a cloudless blue sky. The mountains turning dusty purple in the sunset. Fading leaves. Deer. Beautiful, but empty. Empty because of my restless impatience. A wilderness because of my own preoccupations The face of God, however, was patiently blinking at me around every stretch of road. I would rather close my eyes and whine. As always. The desert seems much safter when you're in it. It's only once you're watered and rested that you realize just what kind of place you wandered in.

Praise the Lord that He works in the world despite my stubborn heart. Praise the Lord that He listens to my prayers even when I cover my ears and pretend not to hear Him. Praise the Lord because this is all His doing and no one elses'. How awesome is that?

Yes, there is still much waiting involved. But that's alright. It's always been alright. Now, it's just even better.

So, one prayer down. A few more to go ......

Shrubbery!

2004-11-03T23:50:00.002-05:00

Bush won. 4 more years.

Of what?

Isn't that the great mystery? It is not fear, but anxiety. A little bit of wonder, mixed with flinching ... anticipation of pain. There is no such thing as coincidence: All things happen according to the will of God. For His glory. Not yours. Not mine. His. These elections were for more than just president, by the way. The House and Senate are just as important, if not more so, than the presidential elections. Judges, local government officials, ammendments, etc. were also on our ballots. Those matter. The president makes the agenda, sits as the figurehead, but ... praise God! ... he doesn't directly run the country as a monarch from the throne.

Today, I have spent a lot of time thinking. Driving along, with the sunset golden under clouds behind me, I took some time to consider all that has been going on ... politically speaking ... in my simple life. I have discovered several things: 1) I am conservative: quoting Scripture while supporting 3rd trimester abortions is wrong. Period. End of story. Encouraging a works-based system of religion is wrong. Works without love is dead. Life without love is meaningless. 2) I have opinions that stretch beyond the "Iraqi agenda." Afghanistan should have been taken care of first. Iraq is a mess. We're at war, and, perhaps, it was indeed a mistake. It's too late now. Stop complaining and start lending a hand. Bush made the mess. Bush needs to clean it up. Changing hands in the middle of a bloody battle is bad form. Bad form, indeed. 3) I long for national balloting systems, funded by our national government. Everyone everywhere should be voting the same way the same day. Every ballot should look the same, be it fill-in-the-bubble, touch-screen, or punch-the-chad. I don't care. Pick one. One. Just make it the same and the world would be better for it.

The president isn't the problem with America today. Apathy is. The Nothing of the heart has taken hold in our country in a way that is terrifying to me. This election was a real thermometer for the state of American voters' lifestyles. It's scary.

I have more to say, but I can't keep my eyes open much longer. I'm exhausted. It's been a busy week and it's only Wednesday! Whoot.

Faith in the unseen, despite the weather.

2004-10-27T23:55:00.000-04:00

What a bummer. Tonight was drizzly. Overcast. Cloudy. And, even if it wasn't, I missed it. Today, the shadow of our blue earth passed over it's own satellite, the moon. Tonight was a lunar eclipse. Tonight was a blood moon. Unlike a solar eclipse (a total one which I long to see; I've seen some partial eclipses in my lifetime) - unlike a solar eclipse, the moon does not disappear. It changes color and darkens, but does not fade into the sky. Despite the earth being in the way, the never-ceasing particle/wave white light of the sun still bounces off the cold moon-dust, creating a ruddy glow. As the planet we call home's shadow passes over the lesser light of the sky, it slowly gets in the way of the sunlight; we turns the moon red.

I really wanted to see it. I wanted to sit outside and watch.

You see, it wasn't just this hunk of rock's shadow passing over the moon. It was my shadow. Your shadow. The shadows of six billion or so people. Of mountains. Of trees. Of whales. The shadows of plankton, that innumerable host of micro-biotic oceanic food, passed over the moon tonight. I missed it. Did you?

If I had a telescope, could I have made out my shadow on the lunar craters? Could I have traced the lanky silhouettes of an African elephant herd as it crossed some atmosphere-less lunar plain, backlit by the distant sun? Could I have made out the now-familiar contours of Japan against the rabbit-making-mochi surface of our moon? If I had a good telescope, I'd like to imagine that I could. Have. But, like I said before, I missed it. Not on purpose, mind you. It's overcast here in the mid-Ohio valley tonight. It's been overcast all-day; today was a day without time ... just a little rain. Maybe it will even rain me to sleep. I wouldn't complain about that. It would sure make up for missing the lunar eclipse.

On second thought, not even rain could possibly make up for missing seeing (actually seeing!) the shadows of six billion people turn the moon the color of blood ...

The moon creates no light of its own. The surface of the moon reflects the ever-burning sun, unfiltered by pesky things like atmospheres or bacteria. There are the footprints of human beings in that glittery moon-dust. Tonight, there was my shadow.

I would have liked to have seen it. Depending on the conditions of our own atmosphere, the moon can appear in any number of colors. There's the yellow harvest moon of this season. There's the rusty orange moon low on the horizon as it catches the light of a sunrise past the visible horizon. There's an occasional blue moon, I've heard. Even a pink moon or two.

That's one thing I still get hung up (as in curious to knkow more about, not doubtful of ... mind you) on when reading Genesis; that in the Creation it is written that God made two lights for the sky - the sun being the greater and the moon being the lesser. The moon isn't quite a light, in the literal sense of the word. It's ... a reflector. A mirror of the sun's light. Smaller. Less significant. Colder. Dimmer ... Just as Jesus calls Himself the light of the world. He is the Son of God. He calls us to be his reflection. His moon. His satellite. He calls us to shine His light back. Not randomly into space, but to earth. We are the lesser lights, given a glorious place in the heavenly host - the special gift of reflection.

Commit me if you will.

2004-10-25T22:07:00.000-04:00

This morning, I saw the face of God. The Holy Spirit hovered over the waters of the Ohio river. I saw it. I tell you I saw it, and I didn't even bother to get out of the car.

This morning, like every morning in the mid-Ohio valley, it was terribly foggy. More so than usual. Like being in the pillar of cloud. Yellow road lines, a few feet of asphalt, scraggly shedding trees, and cars coming and going as I blinked. My drive to work is a single road, State Route 7, for 28 miles. There's nothing unusual or remarkably holy about it. But, I tell you, God was there this morning.

I drifted round the curve after Fronteir High School and almost went blind. Oh, the light! The fog had lifted a few feet off the river. The Holy Spirit hovered, clenching silence and awe in the space between cloud and water. The sun had risen, but it was hidden beneath the blankets of fog. The star was missing, but it's light crashed into the river, splintering into golden shards. The countenance of God Himself danced over the river. No sun. Just light.

Oh, the light.

It really was amazing. Did anyone else see it? I wanted to stop the car. I wanted to dash across the street and dive into the river. That cold, polluted river. Maybe, just maybe, I could have been baptized in the Spirit if I did. Maybe, just maybe, that Pentecost I have waited so long for would come. How I long to be filled with His spirit! That dancing, watery light ... filled my heart with a joy I haven't felt in a long time. I wanted more. It filled my thoughts all day, and still haunts me.

I saw God today, and yet ... in my hard-heartedness ... and fear ... what am I doing writing about it here instead of praising Him? It was so beautiful. I don't care if I sound crazy.

Absenteeism.

2004-10-22T16:31:00.000-04:00

Summer has long-since faded into fall, and fall is swiftly sloughing away with the brightly colored leaves collecting under trees instead of on them. Today, the sky is so bright and clear, driving was near-blinding. My back was burning from the low-tilted day star as it pierced through my truck's back windows. I wished I had brought my sunglasses.

It is a wonderful time of year.

But that's not my excuse for not posting. I've been experiencing a weird internet access problem I'm still troubleshooting. I hope it's not my modem. It's probably just my free service provider. I'm sure free doesn't always mean reliable, after all. Anyway, I'm usually able to sign on, but no matter what the dial-up connection speed, everything takes forever to download or access, and then I get disconnected if I sit around waiting for internet sites to load for too long. Really weird. But, nothing eithera phone call or some kicking probably can't fix.

Ah. Life. What would it be if it wasn't so complicated?

Other than that, I've been studying my butt off for the GRE, looking [unsuccessfully] for a different job, and making some better decisions about the directions of my life. {Read: Too much to write about here.}

Well, I can't believe I'm still inside. I must be ... going. Out.

While I was sleeping.

2004-10-15T01:11:00.000-04:00

Driving home today from work, I noticed something extraordinary. The leaves have changed. Yesterday, the leaves were still struggling green and fading yellow. Today, well over half of the deciduous population had joyfully abandoned green for the varying colors of a campfire. Everywhere reds, oranges, and yellows.

When did this happen?

I blinked. The seasons changed.

The West Virginia foothills are a-blaze. The southern Ohio flood plains are gilded gold. The poplars, oaks, maples are burning. The leaves everywhere are on fire, but the land is not consumed.

Everywhere is holy ground.

If it weren't so cold, would I be tempted to take off my shoes?

The Holy Spirit curls off the mirrored surface of the Ohio river every morning. Fog. A pillar of cloud before sunrise, God hovers above the waters. He glides over the banks and washes ashore, wiping everything clean and new in a wash of thick, white mist.

Last night, while I was sleeping, He decorated the mid-Ohio valley in the colors of the season. He called what was His; the trees surrendered. Without hesitation they gave themselves up to die, draining all their will from their succulent green leaves, letting them slough off and fall, weightless and free, to the ground. They become bare, knowing that in His time, spring would come. Everything in its season. The green will come a-new when the time is right.

How simple these trees make it all look. How envious I would be of trees if it were my nature to be jealous. Sloughing off. Dying to be made new. How beautiful and glorious an illustration of the will of God are the trees. Were that I, too, burned and not consumed could I be as full of color?

Oh Lord, if I could but freely give myself to you as the trees lose their leaves! If I could but lay it all before Your feet, would your grace not be as magnificent as all the colors of autumn at once?

The secret life of trees.

2004-10-10T22:09:00.000-04:00

The trees are changing color. My eyes, those windows to my soul, are delighted. Hills are kindling. Leaves are spontaneously combusting into flame. Trees have been consuming and converting the varied-color light from the sun all year long. Chlorophill, green and alien to humans, has been doing its job. Wavelengths of light, bent and redirected, feeding trees. Giving us all breath in the end, thanks to God's plan.

All those colors - red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet. Now, so many of them finally visible. Filtered, perhaps, for 365 days. Stored, perhaps, just for the right season. Autumn. Green becomes red, red becomes yellow, yellow becomes brown. Compost is the end of all things planted.

The chill in the air. The bright twinkling of stars. The firey colors on the mountains. My pulse quickens. My heart dances. My soul looks into God's eyes, flaming and smiling. Frost on the pumpkins. Fading flowers. Braver more adventurous deer. Geese in their military formations, silouetted in a yellow-tinted, far-sunned sky. Even the color of the sunlight is different, better. Fiercely bright, yet distant. Blinding but getting colder.

I love this time of year, and ... perhaps for the first time in my life, October hasn't brought with it the usual loneliness. The only two boys I've ever dated, I started dating in October. Halloween in high school. Mid-month in college. This is my time of year. I'm just ... more me. The loneliness is gone. I'm less me. I'm more tired. I feel older. Stretched thin like the far-sunned skies. Worn out.

Ready to be made new again.

The love I used to seek can't be found in the arms of a cute boy. The love I have is different. Though, at 25, I can't wait to be married ... My patience has been tempered with a joyful indifference like folded steel. Or, perhaps, I kid myself too much.

Perhaps, in truth, I simply gaze wistfully at the mountains, setting my jaw, and decide, very firmly, that I won't feel that way again this autumn. I won't let the beautiful leaves bring with them their restlessness inside of my heart. There is so much more to see and pine over. There is so much more grace abounding.

This has been a hard year; only two more months to go. Enough heart-ache. Enough trouble. Like all those colors stored up in leaves, I must let it all out. I must drain. Drop of. Renew.